When your friend asked me who I was talking about in my posts, I was scared because I didn't know how to tell him that it was you who I meant. If he knew, he'd be weird about it. But I am happy that he was able to notice even the little things happening in my life. I saw you smiling today, laughing with your group and those are the times when I wished that I was a part of that. No malice, no crushes, just friends. That was what I wanted for the both of us, but then these feelings came about and changed my life. Everything was okay between us before because I barely knew you then- I didn't even care for you. I just want to bring that feeling back. Just mutual friends; say hi when we meet, laugh at jokes- all the normal things friends do.
You passed by me earlier and you said something to my friend and I laughed at how true your joke was. You gave me the side-eye and smirked, and I felt that. The tiny burst of feeling you get when you look at me; I knew that we were still in good terms. After you left, my friend came up to me and asked if I was okay. And why wouldn't I be? We're friends, right? It's normal to laugh at each other's jokes. If you're too formal with each other, are you even friends? But what hurts the most is when you talk to everyone else but me- I feel that twinge of pain. Maybe you noticed, maybe you don't want to be friends, maybe things were better if I was gone or had retrograde amnesia- because I hate having to think about the past and about you EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. I'd rather have my memory erased and start fresh, acting like someone who can fit your standards than to not have it erased and deal with this sort of feeling.
I should never have to conform to what you want me to be. I believe if you love someone, you shouldn't look at their imperfections. You go beyond that and focus on the whole being; maybe if I changed something, you'll like me better. This isn't an issue of love anymore, but more of an issue of coping and acceptance. I have accepted that you'll never be mine, accepted that you've done horrible things, accepted that you're just like all the crushes I've had before- attractive heart-breakers and fuck-persons. I just want to clear the air of everything that's happened; go back in time, cut those feelings out when they first started blooming, and continue as friends with you.
How do you move on from this?
YOU ARE READING
Open Letters to the One
PoetryA collection of letters that were written but never shared. The words come from a place of pure emotion.
