Hopes | JiHan (Joshua x Jeonghan FF)

Chapter 9

I guess it was too much for me. I cried again. I silently cried my eyes out in the bathroom.

I don't know what's happening...

You acting touchy with me... I don't like it... 'Why?' because it gets me hoping for stuff. And I don't like it when my hopes get shattered. Nobody likes it...

You did well Jeonghan... Making me aware of my sexuality-

I'm gay?

Well, I wonder if Jeonghan went back to bed. Knowing him, he still might be sitting outside waiting for me to come out.

What will I say to him? That I was in here taking a long dump for straight 2 hours?? I guess it has been longer than that.

Why did I got like this anyway?

I finally inhaled and opened the bathroom door with all my courage. I was greeted by Jeonghan crouching in front of the door to his room with his head between his knees and arms around his folded legs. His room is just beside the shower room.

As soon as I walked in, I heard him mumble sleepily, "I thought you'd never come out."

I guess he was sleeping while I was inside. I didn't want to face him. I walked to the dining table to fetch a glass of water...

When was the last time when I felt this awkward around Jeonghan. I don't even know what I'm feeling awkward for. Is it because he kissed me? Is it because he made me get a boner because of his sexy whispers? Is it because he made me realize I was actually gay all along?

"Hey! Wait-!" He said standing up. "Look. I'm- sorry" he looked down to the floor.

"For what?" I don't even know myself why I'm acting like this.

"For kissing you... On the li-"

"Oh so you're apologizing for stealing my first kiss? Don't worry, I don't really mind." I laughed awkwardly. I don't know what my tone even suggested. Did I sound rude by any chance?

"It was?"

"It was what?"

"I mean- was it really you're f-first?"

"Yeahh, if you mean my first real kiss- then yeah."

"I'm sorry." He looked down again.

"Why are you even apologizing?"

"I mean- it wasn't even fan service. I just don't know. I just did that... I wasn't in my senses, at all. And isn't a first kiss supposed to be romantic and all? I'm sorry for ruining it."

"It was romantic enough for me." I didn't like how tense the atmosphere was, so I tried to shrug it off making it seem like it was no big deal.

"What?" He raised an eyebrow.

"I mean- it's just how my Jeonghannie is, being touchy and all. I don't mind my first kiss being taken away by you."

"So you're not mad at me?"

"Pfft of course I'm not!" I made a fake laugh.

"You say that but you locked yourself in the bathroom for so long."

"I was just taking a dump."

"That took you 2 hours?" He gave a questioning look to me again. "Look Jisoo, I apologise. I know, you're not good with me being touchy and stuff. You can't just cry out in the bathroom for 2 hours straight and come back out like it was nothing. I know you too well. Look at yourself, your eyes are both swollen."

He stepped closer. I was holding my water-filled glass. He took it from my hand and put it on the table.

"I can't let you lie to me." He stepped even closer. "Tell me. Has something been like- bothering you recently that you never told me about? I told you before. I feel like you've been acting distant lately... Do you feel neglected?"

He paused for a second and finally spoke up again after taking a deep breath. "Have you ever like made a friend and wanted to have them all to yourself just because you can? Dosn't that happy feeling cross you that they're finally yours. You don't want them to be with anyone else but you?"

"I-I think-"

"Pfft hahh what am I even saying. I'm probably the only one in this entire world who feels that way." He cut me off making some laughs. I don't know why but he looked pathetic. "You know what? That's how I feel when I see you with someone else. I really don't know how to word this the right way. You bring sunshine to my world. You are my very best friend and I'm sure I'm the same to you. Probably..."

"You definitely are okay-"

"I know how true friends are supposed to know when the other is feeling down or is sad. They can read each other like open books... But you know what? I can't do that with you. I just can't tell what you're thinking. I'm stupid. I won't understand what you're thinking of if you don't tell me. You just stay lost in your own little world give no fucks about me. Yeahh, I might be stupid for not getting what you're thinking... Yes I am stupid. I know that! You know that! You are supposed to be my closest friend, but you never tell me anything. Is that how it works for you? You can just tell me! I won't know unless you do. Please!" His voiced cracked when he said 'please'.

The tone in which he said that made my heart break into a million pieces. He was saying all that with a smile on his face. Not just any smile, an empty, dead smile. He seemed so distant all of a sudden.

"You can go around sharing secrets with Seungkwan or Hansol but not me!?" He raised his voice. "Are they better friends that me? I try to get back closer to you, but you don't like skinship, you don't get my jokes, you change topics too fast. Tell me how am I supposed to get closer to you? I told you hundreds of times that if you have any problem you can come to me. But seriously though, if you really don't think of me as a friend.... if you really want to act distant then let that be it!!" He aggressively turned and advanced towards his bedroom door. Before he opened it, he turned and said, "I thought you trusted me." in a low voice.

He aggressively opened the door but collapsed as soon as he stepped in. I was able to tell because of the loud thud I heard when he was halfway inside. I rushed to pick him up but he pushed me away. He was still half conscious. I tried to help again but he just slapped my hand away. His temperature was high again. He sloppily got up and dragged himself to his bed and said an irritated 'GOODNIGHT' before he wrapped himself in his blanket.

I couldn't let this end in a fight. I just cannot. I don't get his point anyway. He's acting lame!

"Excuse me!" I said, trying to sound as calm as possible. "The thing you said about friends and having them all to yourself... I feel the same! The feeling is mutual. You're acting lame, I'm telling you. One moment you call me family, the very next... friend! What am I even to you? Look at yourself and ask how much you neglect me before asking if I ever feel neglected..."

That was rude of me... I couldn't help it.

"You have others to comfort you." I continued. "Let me tell you this. I can't tell you stuff when it's actually about you. I'm lost in thought because of you. You're acting childish. Have you ever wondered how much it actually hurts when you prioritize others before me? Yes! I get jealous! Because I'm your friend. Your best friend."

I didn't want to leave everything at just that. I knew if I tried saying more, I might fuck up real bad. So I just dashed out of his room, took the glass of water that Jeonghan put on the table and drank it all in one go, which caused more than half of the water of the water to go down my shirt and to the floor.

How can he be so dense?