Looking At Us

46. cody

‘’I am so sorry,’’ I said.

     ‘’No, you’re not!’’ Hadley screamed. ‘‘Dammit, Cody! You don’t have one freaking once of shame in you, do you? You and Cori—both of you—that’s the greatest thing that ever happened to you, isn’t it? You’re. Not. Sorry.’’ 

     So there was going to be no more apologies between us, because I was not sorry. I pursed my lips. I didn’t know what to do. She hadn’t started hitting me yet. 

     I breathed a few times, in and out, in and out, and I closed my eyes. 

     God, help me.

     I asked, ‘‘Have you ever been in love? Like, actual, true love?’’

     Hadley just stared at me. Her eyes were wet. 

     ‘‘You and me—we weren’t just nothing. We had something. How many other fourteen-year-olds go home and have sex because they can?’’

     ‘‘Darrin and Sasha,’’ she reminded me. ‘‘And I’m fifteen.’’

     I grinned weakly. ‘‘Yeah. I know. But hey—we did have something. And it was great. I loved it,’’ I told her, but I knew she didn’t believe me. ‘’Me and Cori have something stronger, though. It’s . . . it’s more. It’s love, Hadley, and we never had that. We were sex buddies. Cori and I love each other’s feelings, not just each other’s bodies.’’

     I was surprised that she’d been listening to all of that. She took a step closer, her hazel eyes piercing my skin. 

     ‘’I loved you,’’ she hissed, deathly and threatening. ‘’I loved more than just being in bed. I loved you, Cody, and now you’ve broken everything.’’ 

     Oh, shit.

     Hadley slapped my face, and I promised myself to not look at her. I chewed on the inside of my busted cheek, trying to numb the pain. I listened to her footsteps exiting, the door closing, her cell phone calling an unknown number, and, later, a car pulling up on the streets outside. I didn’t move a muscle. 

     I thought: I am broken.

     Restrained, redeemed, fractured, and manipulated. My muscles strained in my skin, screaming to get out. My brain was on fire. 

     I thought: I will never be fixed.