Brave

Chapter 12: New Normal

Exactly twenty-one days after my accident, I'm finally back home.

It feels like it's been years.

I'm snuggled in my bed with my luxurious silk comforter, amidst all my favorite pillows. It feels almost like my own room, but it's the renovated office on the first floor, with the remodeled bathroom, complete with handicap-accessible shower. My parents brought everything down from my room to make it feel as homey as possible. They had also gone to my dorm room while I was in the hospital and retrieved all of my belongings from MSU. That part seems kind of creepy, like I died or something.

In truth, a part of me did die, and not just my leg.

I can see that my mother has used the renovation as a reason to feed her shopping addiction. She bought new curtains and room-darkening blinds, a plethora of throw pillows, and a new lamp for the desk in the corner.

When we had first gotten home, my parents made me come straight to bed and insisted that they wait on me hand and foot. I will eventually have to get up and do things for myself, as much as I can in a wheelchair or with a walker. I had decided on a cool walker with a seat instead of the crutches. I never thought I would describe a walker as cool, but it will be very handy for when I get tired. The crutches had always felt wobbly, even when I was assured I was using them correctly, thus my decision to go for a walker until I'm fitted with a permanent prosthesis.

My dad comes in with a small lap tray. He has put an array of snacks on it, some crackers and cheese, some chocolate, and a cold can of Cherry Coke, my favorite.

"Dad, you really don't have to fuss over me."

"Sure, I do, Baby. You're alive, you're home. That's worth celebrating."

I gratefully accept his offer of affection and open my laptop. I post "I'm home!" as my Facebook status. Ten minutes later, I have 57 likes.

I have so many friends, I think.

But then why do I feel so alone?

My mind rewinds to last night and how much I enjoyed having Ethan kiss me. I was completely surprised, to be honest. I guess I knew that he was interested in me, but never in a million years would I have expected him to kiss me, or that I would allow it. I'd kissed guys before, but never three weeks after meeting them for the first time. But my relationship with Ethan has definitely been different from the beginning.

I close my eyes and remember how his lips felt on mind and a smile creeps onto my face. After a few minutes of quiet reverie, I open my eyes.

I jerk myself out of my reverie, wondering, What the hell am I doing? I can't think about a relationship with Ethan, for so many reasons. I castigate myself for even considering it. I'd been foolish to let him kiss me, to think our relationship could go there, and especially to give him the wrong idea by returning his kiss. Yes, he's funny, sweet, handsome, and yes, he saved my life! But I'm beginning to think Mitch was right, that maybe I am just falling for him because he saved my life. I don't like thinking that my emotions are manipulating my decision making. I can't let anything like that happen again, as much as I enjoyed kissing him. It could never work between us, so I have to stop entertaining that idea.

I return my attention to my computer. I check a few emails and then shut down. I let the tears fall freely now that I'm home and I don't have to worry about a random health care professional walking in at any moment. Tears turn into sobbing. I try to keep my volume down, but my dad overhears. He comes to sit on my bed and he just lets me cry while he wraps his arms around me.

When I finally stop crying, I tell him, "Somehow, I thought the nightmare would end when I got home. But my leg is still gone. It's more real than it was in the hospital. I'm broken and nothing can fix me." I weep some more onto my dad's strong shoulder. "And everyone is moving on with their lives except me."