Brave

Chapter 29: Eyes Opened

I'm going to church with Ethan every week now, and I'm feeling more and more at home there. I like the music and I'm meeting some great people. I still don't feel like I've made that "connection" with God that Ethan has, but I guess I don't know quite what I'm expecting.

The fall has flown by so quickly; it's already Thanksgiving. His church is having a special service today, so he's going to pick me up any minute. We'll have some time with his family until late afternoon, and then we'll have a formal dinner with my family.

We get seated and comfortable just as the service starts. I know a lot of the songs they sing now, and I'm getting to know a few people, too. It's kind of nice to come here and have people know my name. Maybe that's why I didn't feel as much at home at my mom's church, because I was just Gabby's daughter, not Sarah.

I do enjoy participating, especially because it's always by Ethan's side. When the pastor begins his sermon, I expect that maybe he'll talk about the tradition of Thanksgiving in our country and how God gives us everything, so we should always be thankful.

But I'm surprised to hear him say, "I'm not going to preach on thankfulness today. I'm going to talk about love."

I nod, having found a new appreciation for love this year. Ethan gives my hand a slight squeeze and then puts his arm around me.

"Of course, today is a day to give thanks for family and friends," the pastor continues. "For having enough of all that God provides. But it's mostly a day to give thanks for God's love. Because it's out of his love for us that he gives us every good thing."

The revelation feels a little shocking. I mean, I knew it somewhere in my brain, that even though I went through something horrible, God brought my relationship with Ethan out of it.

"God doesn't just love us with the best kind of love there is. God IS love."

He makes a dramatic pause and repeats that. "God IS love. That means that God simply will not do anything that is not loving."

My skin is starting to tingle with goose bumps.

"God IS love. So, when he allows something bad to happen to you, it's not because he's angry at you or hates you. He does not act with of that kind of motive or emotion. God can do anything, right? So we know he can get really angry and punish us all. But does he do that? Does he? NO! Psalm 103 tells us that God does not punish us as our sins deserve. As far as the east is from the west, that's how far God has removed our sins from us. Because he loves us. "

I gulp, letting this truth sink into my heart. Is this true?

"God IS love, so he provides us with many, many good things out of his love for us – food, clothing, shelter, jobs, relationships, vacations, houses, cars, even that special someone." Ethan squeezes my shoulder. "It all comes from him, so we can't argue that God is a loving father."

Right. Of course. It seems so simple when it seemed so complicated just a few months ago.

"But what about when something bad happens? That's when we're tempted to say that God doesn't love us, or that his love isn't perfect. But that simply isn't true. God IS love and his love is perfect. When those troubles come along in our lives, that's when God reminds us that he is with us," the pastor says, emphasizing each of the last four words. "God is with us in the form of a man named Jesus. That's what the name Emmanuel means, God is with us."

I look at Ethan in awe and swallow hard again. It's like I'm watching the truth opening up right before my eyes, and I know Ethan can see the gears turning in my head as I'm processing all of it."

The pastor keeps going and I can tell that many people around the auditorium are riveted by what he's saying, as if it's the first time they've heard it, too, but I know it isn't.

"Jesus died and rose and went back to heaven, but he knows, brothers and sisters!" I giggle a little at his shameless enthusiasm. "He knows what it's like to have sorrow and pain and suffering because he was here with us and he is still here with us through his Holy Spirit! So, when you go through those trials, he knows what you're feeling. He knows what you're going through."

How true is this! I think about Ethan, who knew what I was going through long before I could even wrap my mind around it, long before I knew how well he could understand me. He was there with me all along, anticipating my needs and my emotions. Of course, he wasn't perfect. Of course, he pushed a little too hard and sometimes he didn't understand me all the time. He's human. But God is God, and he is perfect.

So if Ethan's love for me feels almost perfect, how much more perfect is God's love for me?

"And believe me, my friends, when I tell you that God even weeps with you. He mourns with you when you suffer a loss. He's there, holding you, comforting you like only a good Father can."

I remember how Ethan held me in the hospital while I cried. My parents did the same. They were showing me God's love all along and I didn't even recognize it. Tears begin flowing down my face and I don't even care. All of a sudden, I know what God's love feels like. It's personal to me. Because God has been using others to show me his love all along.

Ethan has been showing me God's love all along. He saved my life, he stood by me even when I didn't know he was my strongest supporter, my biggest cheerleader. Ethan could even relate to my disability in a way I couldn't really comprehend.

He squeezes my shoulders a few more times and then leans over, asking, "Is everything okay?"

"It's perfect," I whisper back, smiling through my tears.

After the service is over, I can hardly contain my excitement. Ethan's family leaves the sanctuary while he and I sit there a bit longer.

"So, do you want to tell me what's going on?" He asks gently.

"What's going on, Ethan, is that I think I finally know the God you know. I know he really loves me. I can understand that now because you love me so well, and your love is just a reflection of the love He has for me."

He stares in amazement for several long moments. "So...?" He finally whispers.

"So, I think I want to live like you do. I want this," I say, motioning to the church around us.

He looks at me impatiently, like he wants to tug the words out of my mouth, but he wants me to say it myself.

"Ethan," I say almost in a whisper, "I want to be a Christian. I want to make that choice for my life now, not because my parents raised me that way, but because I know it's the truth."

The look on his face is unforgettable, this look of delight and tenderness and maybe a hint of pride.

"I know that God wanted us to be together," I say. "He sent you to me the day of the accident because he didn't want me to die. He had a good plan for my life, and that plan involved you." I give him a little smirk and whisper, "I think it was a miracle."

By the time I finish, there are tears streaming down Ethan's face, too. "Oh, Sarah," he whispers as he hugs me strongly. "I'm so happy for you. I love you so much." He continues to whisper while he's hugging me, his breath puffing into my hair and I can tell he's still crying.

"I love you, too, babe. I love you, too."

Ethan had told me more than once that I didn't have to become a Christian to make him happy, and I believed him. But it delights me now to see that he wanted this for me, not for himself. He takes me by the hand and leads me out of the sanctuary to find the pastor who is greeting everyone.

"Can we talk with you for a few minutes?" Ethan asks, and the pastor nods encouragingly. He leads us back inside the sanctuary, to a small, quiet corner. Ethan explains simply that I'm ready to give my whole life over to God, and they pray with me. That's it.

It seems so simple, yet my whole life has just changed. And when I say that nothing will ever be the same again, this time, it means something completely wonderful.