sinner. kth x myg

12. gone empty

(lots and lots of angst lol. forgive my depressing ass)

taehyung woke up to an empty bed and the smell of pancakes in the kitchen.

the room was still cold and still weighed down from the pain of the night prior. he could clearly remember pills and blood; the bandages were on his wrist to prove it. the room was dark and blue, light seeping in from the opened curtains. yoongi must have opened the curtains, because taehyung never opened them.

he swung his legs over the side of his bed and padded into the kitchen, where yoongi stood with a frying pan and a plate of pancakes.

"i made breakfast."

taehyung smiled. "thanks. what time is it?"

"nine. i have to leave in an hour; do you want to come with me?"

"yeah. i have work today."

he sat down, stomach churning at the smell. yoongi sat down across from him, eating right away, while taehyung hesitated, apprehensive at the thought of eating; he had done so well for the past few weeks. yoongi noticed, worriedly watching taehyung shakily pick up his fork.

"are you okay?"

taehyung nodded. "i'm fine," he said.

but he wasn't.

he could count every calorie in the pancakes. they would add up, fill his stomach when it could stay empty. he hated being full, he hated being full, he hated-

"you don't seem okay."

taehyung felt yoongi touch his cheek, wiping away a tear that he hadn't felt leave his eyes. "i'm crying?"

"yeah. are you okay?"

taehyung nodded again, finally taking a forkful of food.

he chewed slowly, exactly 25 times, then swallowed. yoongi was still glancing at him every now and then. did he know what taehyung was thinking?

he took another bite, chewing 26 times this time. he drank some water, stomach filling with food and chest filling with something even more unpleasant. god, he hated this; he hated eating.

he was about to take another bite when his stomach churned, warm and unhappy from being filled even the slightest bit. he couldn't stand it; he needed to get rid of it, he needed it gone again. he needed to feel empty again.

he chugged the rest of his water and stood up abruptly, speeding to his bathroom. he ignored yoongi yelling after him, asking where he was going. all he could think about was the food. all he could think about was being empty again. he hated it, he hated it, he hated it.

he closed and locked the bathroom door and turned on the shower, falling to his knees in front of his toilet. the bathroom was still filled with remnants of the night he considered ending his life; blood was dried on the floor, the wall, and his knife was in the bathtub, desolate, desperate, empty and alone, and taehyung needed to feel empty again.

he stuck two fingers down his throat, gagging harshly. he coughed up clear bile, watching it drop into the toilet as he tried again. he gagged once more, eyes filling with tears, yet nothing came up.

yoongi was knocking on the bathroom door now, slamming on it with his fists as he yelled for taehyung to open it.

taehyung ignored him, standing up and going to the sink; he cupped his hands together, filled them with water and drank it. again. again. and again.

he tried his fingers again, gagging and coughing into the toilet bowl, and when nothing came up, he took his old toothbrush and tried that instead.

the toothbrush always worked.

his back arched as he vomited, tears steaming down his face and discomfort screaming in his throat. he was shaking, panic and anxiety filling him and choking him whole as he threw up, using every last bit of his strength to grip at the toilet bowl until his knuckles turned white. he kept at it until his stomach was empty, retching up the only thing he had eaten for the past three days with ugly, ugly sounds. his throat was pulsing now, and yoongi was screaming, banging on the door.

taehyung stood up on shaky legs and flushed the toilet, slowly washing his hands and rinsing out his mouth. he had sinned again, and yoongi had been there to see it. he caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror; he was visibly pale, and his cheeks were slightly puffy. he looked tired, almost dead, exhaustion evident in his eyes and gaunt frame. he turned off the faucet and pinched his cheeks a few times to regain some color in them, stumbling a bit as he made his way to the door.

taehyung opened the door to be met with a distressed yoongi.

he was sweating, staring straight at taehyung with heartbroken eyes. the realization of what he had just done, what he had shown yoongi and put him through, hit hard. there was a lump in his throat, from both throwing up and from the awful, awful realization.

"i'm sorry," taehyung murmured. "i just... i..."

"don't be sorry," yoongi said. "it's... god, it hurts. doesn't it hurt?"

"not so much now that i'm used to it."

taehyung smiled bitterly, eyes downcast and unable to meet yoongi's gaze.

"this is awful, tae," yoongi said. "it's just... awful. why? why would you... just, how bad is it?"

taehyung shrugged. "bad, i guess."

yoongi took a hold of taehyung's fragile, ice cold hand.

"is this why your friend brought up the eating disorder thing?"

"yeah. he's... yeah."

yoongi didn't voice it, but his eyes said everything: and you still don't want help?

"let's... let's get ready to go. talk to me when you're ready to talk about this, okay?"

taehyung nodded.

"okay."