sinner. kth x myg

19. fine

"talk to me. what's been going on?"

"you know everything already," taehyung replied. "i told you everything. my mom was abusive and she's dead now, i cut myself, skip meals, throw up on purpose... what else am i supposed to say?"

they sat facing each other on the floor of taehyung's living room. cool light came through the window, tinting the room a light blue.

"but why?"

"is that really a question?" taehyung asked. "you're going to ask me why?" he shrugged. "it's to be thin. i want to look thin."

"you're already too thin. can't you see that?"

"not thin enough."

seokjin looked pained as the words left taehyung's lips. his eyes showed pity, concern, a hint of fear. taehyung stared back emotionlessly.

"not enough?"

"seokjin, i'm sick. i know nothing i say makes sense, and that's because i'm sick. crazy. mental." his words were harsh, piercing seokjin's skin and ears like knives. "i lost it after my mom died. i'm insane, okay?"

the air felt thick and heavy with guilt, pain, death. it felt heavy with taehyung's burdens. his sadness. his insecurities. demons. seokjin could see them all in the air, weighing the younger boy down and suffocating him.

"you're not crazy. you're just hurting. have you thought about getting help?"

taehyung hesitated. "yeah... but i'm just... just not sure."

seokjin smiled gently, but it was tight. "okay. that's good. think about it, okay?"

taehyung nodded.

* * *

"how bad is it on a scale of one to ten?"

yoongi and taehyung sat by the river near taehyung's apartment building. it was nighttime, dark and quiet, and they sat in isolation.

"one being...?"

"okay. and ten being-"

"i'm going to kill myself?"

yoongi let out a small, choked, nervous laugh. "yeah. i guess. where are you?"

"nine and a half. pretty bad." taehyung smiled sadly. he shivered a bit, rubbing his hands together.

"cold?"

"yeah." he shivered again, tremors racking his body slightly.

"we can go inside somewhere if you want."

"it's fine. shivering burns calories anyway," he laughed. it had been meant as a joke, but yoongi remained serious.

"you don't have any calories to burn, taehyung."

"black coffee has calories you know," taehyung smiled. it was a playful gesture, but yoongi didn't seem to take it that way.

"this isn't funny, tae."

"it's funny," taehyung argued. "loosen up a little."

"joking around about your eating disorder isn't funny to the people who are worried about you."

taehyung winced at the harsh words and cold tone of voice. yoongi seemed angry. eating disorder. why was yoongi saying he had an eating disorder?

"eating disorder?"

"why are you surprised?"

"oh, yoongi," taehyung laughed. "i don't have an eating disorder."

the older boy grimaced suddenly. taehyung waited for him to break out into a soft smile and agree with him. but it never happened. "you're so, so wrong tae."

"why are you getting upset at me?"

"because you're being fucking stupid," yoongi said. "you're so stupid. how do you not see what you're doing to yourself?"

stupid. stupid, stupid boy.

there was a sudden scent of cigarettes in the air as yoongi lit one, putting it between his lips, and taehyung was instantly reminded of his mother. the harsh words. the cigarette.

you're so stupid. you need a lesson, don't you?

taehyung shook his head, trying to get rid of the soft voice in his head repeating the words like a mantra. stupid. stupid. worthless, broken, sinning child. please don't hit me.

"i'm sorry."

his whisper was instinctive. yoongi turned to look at him. "what?"

taehyung found himself digging his nails into his skin, pinching at the soft skin of his arms. he was trembling, too scared. he was somewhere else now. he was no longer by the river with yoongi. he was back in the old apartment with his mother shattering bottles on the walls.

yoongi looked at him concerned, but taehyung wasn't seeing. he was closing his eyes tight, waiting for his mind to escape the hell he had put himself into. yoongi touched his shoulder and taehyung flinched away violently, a soft gasp leaving his lips. "no, no."

he breathed slowly. yoongi sat beside him, hand retracted, eyebrows furrowed. "taehyung? tae?"

taehyung opened his eyes slowly. blue water. gray moon. black sky. brown dirt. he put himself back in the present, away from his mother. away from his personal hell.

he turned to yoongi. "sorry. that was... i... can you put out the cigarette?"

yoongi suddenly cursed under his breath, putting the cigarette out immediately. "fuck. i'm sorry. i forgot. i got stressed and just... sorry."

"no, i'm... i'm sorry for being stupid," taehyung laughed. "do i have an eating disorder?"

"yes. anyone who sees the way you eat could say you do."

but that's not true. i'm not sick.

taehyung wanted to voice the words out loud, but opted not to, turning his attention back to the water and moonlight reflecting off of it.

"sorry for being harsh," yoongi said. "that was a dick move. i should have... should have thought my words through."

"it's fine," taehyung replied, smiling. "i'm fine."

fine. he was fine.