Alyssa x Dennise

Coming Home

Alyssa's

I wake up to Dennise and I still naked and cuddled close enough that I can hear the soft humm in her breathing.

I like having her like this. I like having her inches away early in the day so I can bask in her natural unapologetic beauty.

I look at her intently and I notice how the past years we were apart, though only a few, has changed her. She's still beautiful but exhaustion and pain is obvious on her face. I'm sorry, my love.

It must have been our little fiasco. Sometimes I wish I hadn't taken her for granted. Sometimes I wish I had stayed.

Den stirs and she has her back against me now. I wrap my arms around her and pull her closer. She puts her hand over mine on her stomach. I smile on this small gesture.

I remember how Dennise always wanted us close. So much that some nights she'd fall asleep flat on her stomach on top of me. How I wish I can have her like this a little longer. Just a little more, please.

I pray that she stays asleep for a few more hours because I know when she wakes up she'd be back to loathing me again.

While I indulge on having Dennise in my arms, I recall a conversation I had with Ella just a month ago.

I met with Ella at a local coffeeshop. I have this looming feeling inside me and I need someone to know. It hurts so bad to just keep it in. "Ells, I think I'm still in love with Dennise."

"I didn't know that, Ly. Because you are so good in giving a piece of yourself to different girls."

"I know, Ells. But I've also been wondering why I can never give myself to someone else. But I know now. It's because most of me is still with her. It's still her."

"Maybe the reason why you couldn't settle with anyone is because your heart settled a long time ago."

"I don't pray a lot pero I always pray for her. I know we're soulmates. It's cheesy but I know we are. So I always pray that I get to at least keep her in my life."

Ella's face falls and I can feel the frustration she let out with a heavy sigh.

"Sayang din daw, Ly."

"No, Ells. I cannot hear sayang right now."

"I'm sorry, Ly. Dennise is my bestfriend too. And she was moving forward. She was quieter and more taciturn, but that's how she's coping with everything so I let her. She's okay now, Ly. And I want you to be okay too."

"I'm sorry too, Ells. I'm sorry I hurt our bestfriend and I'm sorry I hurt you too in the process. Sometimes I wish we met later than we have. Now, maybe. Now that I'm kinder, now that I'm whole."

Somewhere along these lines I had started crying my heart out. I can no longer bear the pain of losing Dennise knowing that it was my fault. I lost her.

"She loved you, Ly. In your mess. With the pieces. Buo ka man o wasak."

"But I hurt her. Fuck, Ells. I hurt her."

"She loved you. And I know you hold a part of her."

"I am in so much pain right now. The blow has hit just right now, three years after. And it hurts so bad, Ells. I lost myself too."

"I'm sorry, Ly. I really am." Ella puts her hand on my face and I hold it there for a while. I am grateful that she's here. Ella is one of the few people who stayed after everything.

"I am here now. But she's not anymore."

"I never told you this but even though I was always the third wheel and it sucked sometimes, you guys felt so real. It wasn't just romance or whatever. It was priceless."

"Yes it was, Ells. It was real. Fuck. I hate myself."

"Don't hate yourself, Ly. Forgive yourself. She wants you to." She said it like the words are actually Den's.

Ella watched me cry and held my hand over the table for a little while.

"Ly, I'm sorry. You're my bestfriend too and you know that but please, let Dennise be. It took her a lot of pain and suffering to actually be okay. You told me years ago that all you want is for Dennise to be happy. Please Ly, just let her be."

I hadn't notice that I am already crying from remembering the words Ella and I had said until I feel a hand against my face wiping a tear away.

Dennise is awake.