Calm Waters Dont Last

Disconnection

(blood warning)

To say Jared hated being in the hospital was an understatement. He despised being in here, especially while Evan and Connor were at school, he wanted them to learn and get good grades but hours of being alone sucks. Jared would sometimes watch some stuff on the TV or have small chats with the doctors but other than that he was bored all the time. And he felt so sick of it, the white room, the aching feelings in his body, the blood, the worrying doctors he just wants to escape it all. In times when he's all alone for hours his mind drifts, and it doesn't go into good places. He wonders if its better for him to just slip away and get rid of the endless pain he's in or if its better of he gets rid of himself and stop burdening Connor and Evan. Or he thinks about how happy they would be without him or what would happen if he just died, would they really be sad or greatful? It wasn't new when Jared thought lowly of himself, he was a bitch and an ass in highschool and he started getting better senior years and freshman year of college thanks to Alana. Without here he would probably still be a jerk and  hate himself even more but he was really thankful for her. And without her he wouldn't have met Evan and Connor.

Jared wish he could walk around,  legs were in that constant asleep feeling 24/7 and he hated it, he hates everything in this place. He wasn't getting better and he was forgetting things and wanted to just get up and hug Connor and Evan forever but he couldn't, he was an anchored to his bed. It was like confinement or a prison, he wanted his life sentence to end.
Today was going to be bad and Jared knew it, he kinda knew when he would get episodes. He felt like even more garbage then he already does all the time and his body movements are more shaky and jerky. Jared sighed, he couldn't deal with another one and Con or Ev weren't there this time. Jared thought of himself selfish for wanting to be held by them, he just wanted them to tell him its okay, things will be okay. Even if its a lie he just needs reassurance, but he'd never ask them for it out loud thanks to the constant voice in his head telling him he doesn't deserve them. Suddenly he felt a sharp pain his chest interrupting his thoughts, he coughed violently and pressed the nurse button before it got to bad. His body was hating him, that had to be it, why else would he be tormented like this. He could feel the bile and blood building up and he coughed and leaned over the rail ready to hurl again, it was the worse feeling ever. The feeling of thick blood mixed with bile rushing up to your mouth like a sea of pain was horrible, while your torso filled with sharp pain like needles sticking in everywhere. Except it didn't come and instead he felt himself just slip. Like he disconnected for a bit and time whirled by to fast and it was all a blur.
The pain it was intense and he felt his head pounding, his heart rate picked up as he tried to ground himself but he couldn't.

Things weren't making sense to him and their were all like shapes and colors mixed together. He didn't hear the frantic voices of doctors, he just kept breathing heavily. He turned over the rail and threw up, there was blood and any remains of his lunch, but mostly blood. But it wasn't blood to Jared, it was just red. And he hated it, he didn't want to see dark red clash harshly against white and gray. He wanted to escape his nightmare, every time he got close to the shore the waves tugged him away viciously and wrapped him back up in cold dark waters. He hated how he could drown at any moment in his own blood or just give into the waves, he could ask the doctors to give him a lethal amount which they'll refuse to but he could still ask. Jared was sick of living sickly and just living in pain, that's all he knew all of a sudden. Just pain, harsh unending pain and he wanted it to end, but he wanted to be strong for Evan and Cannot but it was so hard. He's been sick for two months his health was rapidly declining yet spiking up and getting better than declining even worse, it was a horrible cycle of just pain and sadness. And it honestly pained Jared to see how scared and worried Evan and Connor got whenever bad news was spilled, he wanted to get better for him but he felt himself slipping away.

Jared wondered what he was feeling was dying, just slipping away and getting worse and just living in pain and pain until all there is pain and then suddenly there's no more. Honestly the end sounds so sweet to Jared, a bittersweet end to him. He'd be free from the pain that's been boiling everyday in him but it would latch out and invest Evan and Connor in a different worse way. Jared would hate to be in their place, losing one of them to the unknown, while their just feeling pain and more pain everyday he doesn't know how they do it. Jared thrown back into reality by a Doctor trying to get his attention, he doesn't react and whines trying yo get some space. All of them crowd over him like he's a child and he needs a break, but he needs to be fussed over and hr understands but he wished he didn't have to be. And suddenly as he's trying to regain his hearing and actually listen to the doctor its like a volcano exploded in him, like that boiling pit of pain exploded. It was hot, scorching hot needles digging deep into everything, his skull, his eyes, his arms, his torso, his organs and then he's spasming, jolting with pain screaming, crying its a blur. Jared never felt a worse pain then this, as the needles dug deeper its like their already hot metal pushed a liquid until his skin and blood as if his insides and outsides were being flooded with hot lava, burning him up. Jared wanted to die, as he heaved up more blood in pain, as he tugged his hair as if it would stop the pain, endless tears were spilled and he could hear muffled screams asking him what's wrong he couldn't respond to a single one. He could never speak during a episode and he could never talk during something like this and just like that, he feels nothing and he sees is darkness.

The doctors stared at Jared limp pale body as his heart monitors slowed down chillingly. It didn't stop, but it was too slow, they didn't know what had happened. He had one of the worst episodes they have ever witnessed before, and they didn't know what to do. One left to go call Evan and Connor.

(I don't have a heart anymore, but the next chapter proves that.)