Days of Our Lives (Book 2)

Chapter 4 - You can't win with your hands tied

Saturday, 12thJuly, 1986

Wembley Arena, London

I made my way till the end of the long corridor and opened the door that had a big Queen - Dressing Room table on it. There was complete silence inside as I collapsed onto one of the chairs and buried my face into my hands. I still couldn't believe what has just happened and that I was just not able to deal with the whole situation, it was just way too much for me. Seeing Dominique around with the kids: well, it was something that hurt me, but I knew this is the right thing. Roger loved his children, I knew it. He didn't talk much about them in the past few weeks, but when he did, it was clear to me how much he loved and missed them. These times I felt more guilt and more jealous, like I told him last night. Guilt, because I believed I'm standing between them and jealous, because I knew I can never have myself what he has.

Talking to Dominique, well, it was something I could also handle in normal circumstances. I held my head and smiled for a second, staring at my hands when I realised the reason: I have some experiences. The memory of that old, messed up relationship with a married man rushed on me. He also had children and many times I met his wife...when it was over I promised to myself I will never ever have a relationship with a married man again. And what does life do? I almost laughed out as I shook my head. Makes me to meet Roger Meddows Taylor and to fall in love with him.

I buried my face into my hands again when I realised that one thing that pissed me off in this whole situation and I felt my tears rolling down faster and faster. Why did she have to find me? Why couldn't she find anybody else to help? Yes, that's what pissed me off the most, that I held Roger's innocent little baby in my arms. Because I'm not able to give him a child or to anybody else. Anybody else? No, no...deep inside I knew I won't be able to love anybody else now, only him. Such a silly thing, because only a couple weeks passed since we were together, but I knew he's the one for me. The one and only, who I've been waiting for my entire life. My man, my best friend, my lover...my missing other half. How wonderful it would be if one day I could...No, I can't. I can't - and that started to hurt me more than it should.

-Livy. - I heard my name and I looked up surprised.

-Oh hi Mary. I was just...I'm just...checking the stage costumes... - I wiped my face and jumped up.

-Please...sit down. - she put her hand on my shoulder and we both did so -Listen, I understand it's hard for you now...- she started carefully - this situation you two put all of us into...is not really easy.

-I'm sorry. - I said quietly.

-No, you don't have to apologise. - she said gently - You have to understand...we all love Roger. And we all love you too, because we can see that you make him...you two make each other... - she hesitated, because she wasn't sure how to finish the sentence.

-I hope you wanted to say happy. - I mumbled.

-I wanted to say different in a good way. Better, maybe. And yes, happy, we all can see that.

-Mary, I know my behavior was stupid right now and...

-No, listen to me now, okay? - she interrupted me and I nodded - We know that those two has broken up a while ago. But you also have to understand that we love her too. She took care of him for almost ten years.

-Yes, I know.

-And they have two kids together, so she's got every right to be here. And you have to learn to hide your feelings and act like a professional. The boys are working here and what you see around is pure show business. You have to leave all your feelings inside your bedroom. Not only have you, Roger too, just like any of us.