Swiss Family Robinson: A Place For All Of Us

Act 2 Scene 6: The Sloth War of 1402

Dune: Fangs, have you seen Turk?

Fangs: He was right behind me a few minutes ago.

Dune: Really, sometimes I just can't understand that dog.

Fangs: He's quite the interesting fellow.

Turk: (Entering) I've got some biscuits!

Fangs: Oh, you were getting biscuits. I see. I was almost beginning to think you were going as slowly as those sloths back in 1402.

Dune: Sloths?

Fangs: Don't tell me you've never heard about the Sloth War!

Turk: (Eating biscuits) Sloth...War? You can't be serious.

Dune: Don't you think that's a bit of an oxymoron? Sloths - the epitome of leisure, serenity, and eating leaves off trees - having a war?

Turk: That's the craziest idea I've ever heard.

Fangs: (Dramatically) Well, it all started in April of 1402. My great-great-great-great-great-great-great- great-great-great-great grandfather, Fangs, who was then the chief of the jackal tribe-

Dune: Wait, he was named Fangs as well?

Fangs: Of course, and so was my father, and my grandfather, and my great-grandfather, and my great-great-grandfather, and my great-great-great grandfather, and -

Dune: Okay, we get it.

Fangs: As I was saying-

Turk: (Loud, obnoxious chewing.)

Fangs: Excuse me?

Turk: Sorry.

Fangs: So, as I said, my great-great-great-great-great

Dune: Yes?

Fangs: Fangs saw it all happen. It was a beautiful, sunny day in the early spring. All was quiet, except for a bird or two chirping. In those days, thousands of sloths roamed over the island. They walked, ate leaves, slept, walked, ate leaves, slept some more, walked, climbed trees, ate leaves, and slept.

Suddenly, an old sloth eating a leaf stopped eating. And did something faster than he had ever done anything in his life: he fell.

Turk: (Mesmerized) Whoa!

Dune: (not enthused) Really?

Fangs: (ignoring interruptions) Within the space of 1.1178923 seconds, the old sloth had fallen right on top of his neighbor, who was also an old sloth, eating a leaf. The second old sloth experienced a new emotion: anger. His -no longer- best friend had just deprived him of eating this leaf, which was about to be a monumental event in his life! This was to be his 5,000th leaf. And now the opportunity was ruined.

"Hhhooowww ccoouulldd yyoouu!!" the damaged sloth moaned.

"III ddiiddnn'tt mmeeaann ttoo..." his friend replied, but it was too late. The second sloth had (in slow motion) taken a kick at his face.

"Nnnnoooooo!!" yelled the first old sloth. "Iiitt wwaass aann aacccciiddeenntt!!"

"Iii ddoonn'tt ccaarree!! TThhiiss mmeeaannss wwaarr!!"

Dune: They seriously had a war over a sloth falling out of a tree?

Fangs: Within three weeks (sloths move slowly, remember?) all the sloths had gathered in armies: One side fighting for the fallen old sloth - his name was Slooth - and the other army for his used-to-be best friend, Sloath.

Turk: (Licking his paws from the biscuits) And then what?

Fangs: Slowly, very slowly, the two armies approached each other. Traveling at a mighty mile per three hours, they first clashed on May 14, 1402.

"Cchhaarrggee!" General Sloath roared.

Dune: So what happened - in the end?

Fangs: The wind picked up, swirling and whirling faster and faster and faster until the branches of the trees began to fall.

Turk: Dun dun dun.

Fangs: Thank you. The sloths, seeing the perfect opportunity, snatched up the fallen branches and slowly...began...to eat.

Dune: That's it?

Turk: How else would you deal with delicious-looking food being blown practically into your mouth?

Dune: (Rolls her eyes.)