Dog Fights

Chapter 29; Who I Am

I'm not strong.

I know I'm not. I'm tired, and scared. I'm not responsible, I don't know what the greater good is, and I don't know how to control my temper.

I'm an asshole, that's what I am. I'm an unreliable, emotional, stubborn, clingy asshole.

Why did I ever think I could be any use to someone bigger than me? Someone with bigger plans, bigger hopes, bigger dreams. Ezra only ever tried to help me, and look what I did.

You were right before- this would have never happened if I just wouldn't have given you my number and we never saw each other again!

God- I probably deserve whatever fate I just laid out for myself.

-:*:-

It's been four days.

With so much silent time in my house I finally was able to reflect on the chaos that had happened that night. My mother was taken by Orgon's men, and held captive as a lure for me. They bit her and turned her into a vampire, then beat her until she could no longer think for herself. I've heard of that method of- brainwashing basically- before, but never saw it in use. They starved her and forced her to heal on her own, whispering instructions in her ears the entire time.

They probably left a recording of 'kill yourself' on repeat for her as she was tortured and healed.

So when she woke up, that's all she could think- all she knew. Nothing but pain and those words. That's it.

My throat still stings, even days later. I screamed for all the people I knew. I screamed for Ezra, Amelia, Rin, Mahin. I screamed for my mom, my dad, and my grandmother. No matter how loud I was, it didn't fix anything. It didn't un-vampire my mom, it didn't wake Achille up from that exhaustion coma he put himself in, and it didn't bring Ezra back. He hasn't talked to me at all.

No one has. No one wants anything to do with me anymore. It's my fault- all of it. Maybe if I really wouldn't have given Ezra my number, I wouldn't have seen him since that day I untied his hands and showed him how to take a collar off his own neck.

But if I wouldn't have, where would I be? Would I have regret my decision when I went home that morning and studied his profile? Would I try to find him again? Would I wish that I would have done something greater with my life, and actually helped someone with bigger problems than me- even if the risk meant my own life?

Yes I would. I would do all of those things.

It's sick, I know it is, but after everything's through I would rather live a better life with serious risks than live safely with nothing to say I survived.

I never imagined that dream would become so, broad, though. My mom- I never would have thought she would be affected before me. Why wasn't it me?

Why couldn't it have been me?

-:*:-

My computer is the only thing that distracts me from the silence of the house. It's been hours, and no one has called to see if I'm still here, or if I'm planning on going to the hospital. Physically, mom's fine, but she's been having panic attacks almost any time someone moves by her door too fast. She'll be okay, they say, but it'll take time.

I don't want to wait. I just want everything to be okay again. I would do anything to have someone sitting on my bed, making fun of me for my messy hair or 'I only date vampires' pajama shirt. Instead I just avoid looking in the mirror, ignoring the fact that it's been a while since I showered or turned off my monitor.