Moving Forward

Heartfelt

"You look lonely," my mom sits next to me on the back porch where I'm sitting with a glass of wine "Is Brad asleep?"

"Yeah, I couldn't fall asleep.  Must be the flashing night light."

"Oh my gosh, I forgot about that.  You used to love that thing." She takes the bottle of wine I have, pouring herself a glass "It's so nice out here at night.  I don't sit out as much as I used to.  I'm hardly ever up this late anymore."

"Well, I'm used to late nights." I laugh slightly, knowing the girls probably still have Brad's parents awake "I'm used to running on 5 hours of sleep.  They haven't exactly figured out how to keep their eyes closed yet."

"You'll miss those nights soon.  Before you know it, they'll be running through the house with all their friends and yelling at you because you looked at them the wrong way." She looks out into the distance, trying not to get emotional "And then one day, they're gone.  You let bad thoughts and words come between you and it feels like your whole world is shattering around you."

As she says these, I start to realize how much it must have hurt her.  We both made mistakes, but I was so quick to blame her.  For everything.  I pushed her away, I didn't let her in on any major milestones in my life.  I forced her to miss out on the moments she looked forward to since the day I was born.

"I never realized how hard all of what happened between us was on you... I never realized until I had Ava and knew that not being there for her would kill me." I walk up to the edge of the balcony, looking out at the scenery, "And now that we have Kassie too, I just can't even imagine not being there for everything.  The fact that you didn't fight harder to be in my life, it pains me so much more now than it did before I had them.  It just makes me feel like you didn't care about me, or my life, like I meant nothing to you."

"You're an amazing mother.  I hope you know that." She walks up next to me, slightly wrapping her arm around my back "I made the biggest mistake of my life by not supporting you more, and by letting my jealousy get the best of me... but I also thought you would push me away if I tried to get closer, and it seemed like every time I tried, you did.  You didn't tell me you were getting married, that you were pregnant either time, their names.  You didn't tell me anything, and I realize I only have myself to blame, but I also feel like we both could have worked together, that you could have let me in your life more."

"What you did, it hurt me, mom.  I know that you know that, but it hurt me more than I can even come up with words to say.  I was blindsided at the fact that my own mother would do that to me; that you would put out all of my history and not seen to care about it or how I felt at all.  When I called to talk to you that day, I could hardly think.  I was shaking so hard I had to redial your number 5 times because I was that angry and confused.  Confused about how you could do something like that to your own child, but more confused about how I let our relationship go and didn't fight for us before it got to that point. I was just so caught up in my new life, I guess I just thought all you cared about was fame."

She looks me in the eyes, tears threatening to form in hers as she tries to form her words.  I pull her in for a hug, knowing that it's hard for her to think back on all this.  It's hard on both of us, and we need all the comfort we can get, and give each other.

"Jennifer, I was caught up in the fame.  YOUR fame.  I was beyond jealous that you had the life I wanted at times, and I let that get to me just as much as you let it get to you.  Writing that book, doing the interview, everything that happened in that year, I regret it all.  Everything about it.  Those mistakes cost me the most pain I've ever felt in my life, but I know you had it worse.  I can't imagine how it would feel to have your mother do that to you, and I couldn't be prouder of you and Brad for trying your best to keep the girls out of the public.  You two are doing such an amazing job raising them, and I know I haven't been any help up until now, but I can't wait until I'm finally able to meet my granddaughters and see how much of you is in them."