Moving Forward

The one Where Everything Goes Wrong

"Jennifer, you need to push. Right now." My doctor tries to encourage me.

I look over at Brad, still unable to do anything, completely in shock.

"Jen, just push." He begs, teary eyed and scared "You need to do this."

I somehow gather strength I didn't know I had, and push as hard as I can.

I keep pushing through all the pain and tears, wanting nothing more than to hear my baby cry.

"Just a little more." One of the nurses encourages me.

I take one last deep breath and push until I finally feel them pulling her out.

"She's not crying." I look up at Brad, tears streaming down my face uncontrollably "Why isn't she crying?"

He stands there in shock continuing go gently rock our son back and forth, while also holding my hand for comfort.

"They're working on her now. She's going to be okay."

He struggles to get these words out, thinking about everything that could go wrong. She's such a tiny little baby, she shouldn't need to have a team of doctors and nurses this big surrounding her. She shouldn't need to fight like this at just seconds old.

"Here you go." My doctor walks over to us with the baby soon after "She struggled a little, but she's doing great now."

I look down at the most perfect pink squishy face and instantly know that our family is now complete.

The feeling of relief rushes over me.

We can finally see both Addison and Zachary at the same time. Both happy and healthy.

"They look so comfortable." Brad watches as they hold hands while laying on my chest "This doesn't look like all the fighting they did in there."

"This makes them look so much cuter." I stare at them in disbelief that they were both inside of me at the same time "It's so weird how they're finally here."

"I love them so much." Brad leans over the bed rail, playing with their tiny hands "I can't believe they're this big. I thought they were going go be really tiny, I didn't think they had room to grow like this."

A few minutes later, after we had some time alone, the nurses take them for their checkups. Brad follows them over, while my doctor works on everything with me.

"This should be the easy part." She jokes, getting everything ready.

"I'm going with Addison to the NICU." Brad walks over to kiss me quickly before leaving "They just want to check up on her some more."

"Okay."

I watch as he walks out, trying my best to ignore everything the doctor is doing to me to get the placentas out.

"Something doesn't feel right."

I start to feel weak, very weak. And very alone without Brad here.

"What's wrong?"

I feel my eyes getting heavy as all the energy drains from my body.

"Jennifer, you're going to be okay." A nurse runs over to hold my hand. I weakly hold hers, still waiting for the real answer.

"One of the placentas is stuck, so I'm going to try and remove it. You've lost a lot of blood and that's why you're feeling so weak and tired."

The doctor gives me a reassuring look as she says all this, but it's not enough.

"Where's Brad?"

"He went with the babies for their checkups." The nurse holding my hand reminds me.

Seconds later, I feel a huge gush of blood.

"Oh my God. I'm dying."

"You aren't going go die." Another nurse walks up to me "We're going to give you a blood transfusion and you'll feel so much better."

The doctor asks for help torturing me, and the second nurse quickly runs.

"I can't die." I think to myself during all this. I can't leave Brad alone with four children. I can't leave my children without a mother. I have to live through this.

I want Brad. I want my support system. I want his encouraging words and love.

"Okay Jennifer, I know you're very weak, but I need you to push just a little."

I use the little strength I have left in me and push just long enough to feel something.

This better work. I don't even want to imagine any other outcome.

"It's out." I hear her tell the nurses "Get the blood transfusion in here now."

And that's all I remember before passing out.

"Shh, stop crying." I hear Brad try to calm the babies as I wake up "Mommy needs go get some more sleep."

I keep my eyes closed for a while, loving the sound of him bonding with the twins, and trying to come to terms with everything that has happened in the last few hours.

"You're awake." Brad looks over at me smiling. I can tell just by his eyes that's he's been crying, and immediately know it's because of me, unless something is wrong with Addison.

"Is she okay?" I ask immediately "What happened at her checkup?"

"She's perfect." He hands her over, kissing me "How are you? Do you feel better yet?"

I stare at Addison for a while, looking from her to Zachary in complete awe of them.

"I'm fine. Tired, but I'll be fine."

"I wish I was here with you. You shouldn't have had to go through that alone." He gets quiet as he stares across the room in shame "I'm sorry."

"Hey, you took care of them, that's more important to me."

We lay in silence for a while, both watching the twins and everything they do.

"I still can't believe we finally have a boy. It's so surreal."

"He really completes us though," Brad gently holds his hand, playing with his tiny fingers "He's so perfect... they both are."

"The girls are going to love them so much. I can't wait for them to meet." I rub Addison's tiny little face as she sleeps, admiring her beauty "She really reminds me of how little Ava was."

"I can't believe how much I love them."