Unwanted

12

After I had safely made my way to my old room, not my room because I don't live here and am not really welcomed here anymore, not that i was ever truly welcomed here in the first place, I put Jacobi down for a nap. While I think the kid is adorable and needs someone to watch out for him, he can be kind off heavy, especially when he is sleeping.

I don't want to leave the safety of the room. I already told father that I don't want people coming to see me, which i already know Logan is going to try and barge his way in here, so i am not going to leave my room until i absolutely have to. Its nice that there is a connecting bathroom to my room, the only thing i would have to leave for is to get food for me and Jacobi.

I take the time to look at all of the stuff that I let behind when I went off to college. I never really had a lot to begin with, so it is mainly a lot of random things that I probably should have just thrown out. The one thing that I do find, that definitely was not here when I let, is a huge box full of pictures.

Mom always loved to take pictures of all of us growing up. I know she always was trying to make a memory out of everything we did. I kind of miss it honestly. I just don't know why this box of pictures is in my room to begin with. I never had any of these in here when I left, definitely not a box of them.

I sit down on the bed, making sure not to wake Jacobi, and open the lid on the box. Inside are all of the pictures that mom seemed to have taken of me when I was younger. There are ones of just me, me and my brothers, me and her, and even a few from the rare moments from where me and my father were getting along. I don't know if I have ever seen these pictures before.

One thing I notice though, is that in the pictures that I know were being taken, I look happy. But in the pictures where they were just shot of me randomly, I look sad, and alone. Even as a kid, my mother could see how being different from everyone made me so unhappy. My mother was always able to understand me the most whenever I did something weird or unlikely to what an alpha son normally would do. I guess that's why she never gave up on me, even when I left, and never came back.

I pick up one of the pictures that has me and my mother in it. I was sitting in mother's lap. She had her arms around me and was trying to hug me. But I was fighting her off. In the picture I can see the frown on my face, the anger that I was being forced to sit in my mom's lap. I can see the disappointment deep in my mother's eyes, even when she looks like she was laughing and thinking it was all a joke.

I hurt people. I hurt my mother, my brothers, and my father. I hurt so many peo0le, and only because I was doing what I wanted. But, then I think of all of the hurt I went through. All of the bullies that attacked me at school, of all of the people in the pack who shunned me. My brothers who could never really accept me. My mother for trying to protect me, but in reality only made it so much worse. And my father, who treated me like some mysterious creature he could never figure out.

I may have been selfish for leaving like I did, but right now, I feel as if it was the best, and only thing I could do. My mother was always trying to fix me. She always saw me has her little boy who needed to have her guidance and needed to be fixed. My brothers always saw me as the weird one, the brother who you grew up with but never talk to again when you are adults. And my father, he saw me as the disappointment of a son who should have done great things, but instead became something that could kill so many people.

I love my family, against all of the odds, after all of the crap I went through with them. I still love them, and I miss my mother. Even if I hadn't been a part of her life for the past few years, I still loved her and strived to be independent and strong like her. Now, she is gone, and I never got to say goodbye. Maybe if I had been here I could have saved her. I could have saved my mother, and in turn could have repaired my relationship with my father, and my brothers, if I had stayed,

Then again, if I had stayed. I would have never had any chance of ever being happy, and going out and finding that happiness for myself.

I look behind me where Jacobi sleeps. Jacobi has had a rough past, like me, but not in the same sense. I have dealt with a lot more emotional that I have physical, like Jacobi has. But, I understand how he is probably feeling right now. He feels alone, and abandoned, and scared. I know that's how I felt when I was younger, when I ran away from home because I couldn't do it anymore.

Jacobi doesn't need to grow up and make the same decisions that I made. Jacobi can have someone who changes all of the world for him, and I want to be that person for him. I am going to make Jacobi happy, I am going to make a life for him in this pack.

But in doing this, that means I have to stay, and figure out whatever it is that makes me, me.