Stole My Heart ›› h.s

Chapter Ten

Hey guys! Just letting you know that this story from now on is ALL drama! 

Surprises and lots of tears. 

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It means a lot to me!

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-Sam xx

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Chapter 10

Words can't describe how hungry I am. But doctors orders, I can't eat too much. So I eat like a cracker a day. I'm only allowed to drink water so I'm constantly running to the bathroom.

The first concert is tomorrow. I could be on that stage, dancing and living my dream. But no. Instead I'm stuck in this hotel room, dying. 

You don't understand how hard it is. To watch your loved ones mourn over you. Always crying when they see your frail, weak body. Never cracking a smile, or never laughing. I forget what it's like, to laugh, to smile. 

To be happy..

And to think it's been 2 weeks since I was diagnosed with cancer. My family had to fly back home for work and school, so I'm left with my friends. Each day they watch me become weaker, paler, sadder. I've lost 20 pounds already, a cracker a day doesn't cut it. 

I've cried all of my tears. It's like there's a drought in my eyes. 

It's hard, watching people take life for granted. Listening to how people hate themselves and want to die. But once you're dead, there's no turning back. It's hard watching people hurt themselves on purpose, when you're hurting and don't want to be. People should learn how to turn their lives around, like I did. Once you do that, you don't want to die or hurt yourself. You're happy. 

Everyone is out now. The boys are at sound check, the dancers are at the studio practicing. Sara's out food shopping. I'm left here alone. 

Before someone leaves, we say goodbye as if it's our last. There's always an 'I love you.' or an 'I'm going to miss you so much.' Along with a kiss on the cheek or head. 

I can't imagine how hard it is for them to leave. To not know if I'll be alive when they get back. To not know if this goodbye is the last one. To not know if this is the last time we'll speak to each other, or hug each other. If it's the last conversation, the last laugh or smile. It must be like living in a horror movie. 

I'm not scared anymore. 

To die I mean.

I hate this suffering. The pain. The hunger. It's not pleasant, but I feel selfish if I try to kill myself. 

The other day, Sara and I picked out my outfit for when I'm buried. It was weird, choosing my death clothes.

I was on line the other day and bought broken heart, magnet necklaces. One for everyone and one for me. Each had their names' on it, and when they connected to mine it made a full heart. I would be buried with the other half, that way I will always have their hearts and they will always have mine. 

I wrote letters to each person. I hid them in the bottom of their drawers, so when they pack to leave the hotel after I pass, they will find it. The letter is inside an envelope, along with the necklace. 

We're always planning the funeral, and we picked my tombstone and casket. It's weird, picking these things for yourself before you die. 

"Hey, you okay?" Sara asked sweetly. She sat next to me on the bed, wrapping an arm around me for a quick hug.