At His Mercy

chapter 5

I'm sitting in his jeep. Head sore. I can't believe he has me in his clutches again. I want to cry from the frustrated anger churning inside me. I watch mansion after mansion in this gated community. There are armed guards at many of the gates. And suddenly I feel a tightness in my chest, the walls are closing in and I'm struggling to breath. My head is spinning.
Adam slides beside me, closer.
'What's wrong?' He says concern in his eyes.
I point to my purse and he opens it, I dig around in it, but my vision is beginning to blur and I can feel myself becoming weak.
'Oh Fuck' He says and takes it from my trembling hands and empties it out on the seat between us. Grabs the inhaler and hands it to me.
I take three puffs, feeling the cool air instantly open up my airways and lean back into the seat- head back.
He's raking his hands through his hair and looks seriously shocked. 'What the fuck was that? I nearly had a heart attack!' He takes my hand and places it on his chest. 'Can you feel that?' he says it as if its an accusation. 'Since when do you have breathing problems?' He says sceptically.
I breath in deeply and out again and then in a raspy voice reply ' Since you left me.'
It's a strange moment and I know I've said something, which will not work in my favour in the long run. But he seems genuinely perturbed by what's happened. My He sits back in silence and turns away to look out the window. I rest my head back on the headrest, exhausted.

We arrive shortly after. I hear the gates opening and close my eyes- unable to accept that I will be prisoner here for the next 3 months. I don't want to see it! I place my fingers on my temples and lean forward ever so slightly. I feel Adam drawing near again.
'Its fine! I'm fine!' I say- not sure who I'm trying to convince more. I hear him tut, probably out of annoyance, making his irritation abundantly clear.

In the darkness outside, I don't focus on anything. I can smell Jasmin nearby, its a heady aroma and the air is balmy with the summer heat. Instead I let Adam lead me inside, huge, ornately carved pine doors open up into a cavernous lobby, the staircase winds up around one wall. with an iron railing, laser cut into a geometric design, it reminds me of Morocco and I stare at it in wonder. the floor is gleaming grey marble. I step into the room as if it is an alien planet.
A splash of colour accross the room catches my eye, There's an art piece on the wall, a Pollack! I walk straight up to it in amazement. I'm stunned. The colours dance across the canvas and I feel my eyes widen. Something inside me moves and I don't know why but suddenly I want to cry. It's mesmerising and chaotic and luminous. I look to my left and smile through the fog of tears in amazement at Adam. He's smiling at me, not a cocky or arrogant smile. A smile that says 'I know' as if he understands how I'm feeling in that moment. I laugh and feel the tears spill from my eyes. I'm not happy at all about what is happening to me, but in that moment I cannot help but feel my chest swell with joy. I look at him again and laugh. He rocks back on his heels, hands in his trouser pockets, head tilted to the floor, shaking his head and then begins to nod it instead and laughs silent. Like an embarrassed school boy

Then we are facing each other. We are maybe a foot apart, but we stand there like two brackets but  there is this huge gulf between us, tempestuous feelings, waried suspicions, unvoiced  accusations and a sadness so profound it makes my chest ache.   And I just know he bought the Pollack for this moment: To show me what he could have given me.

'You can take the grand tour tomorrow and meet everyone, let's go!' he says in his matter of fact manner, breaking the spell. He takes my hand, we walk up the winding staircase. Up and around a magnificent chandalier, like a majestic waterfall, it flows down the two floors, casting the most splendid rainbow prisms across the walls. My eyes are wide and Adam suddenly turns to look at me, sensing I am slowing down. Puzzled he stops, a questioning look on his face 'what?' he asks

'Nothing.' I say picking up my pace. Feigning a casual manner, when inside I am stunned by the beauty of this place. It's almost like being under water.

The room we enter is huge, typical of these houses. A high ceiling, with warm rose coloured walls. An enormous bed sits against one wall facing full length windows. Adam instantly moves to close the curtains. The truffle coloured carpet is lush under my feet. Even in boots, I feel my feet sink into it. There are two doors one on each side of the room, bathroom and most probably a dressing room. The bed sheets are a muted grey with white boarder. Chic. I sit on the bed, my head heavy, and then look up at Adam as he approaches slowly.

He looks down at me with an expression I can't figure out. Its not exactly understanding or compassion, its something else. Perhaps he senses my vulnerability because he kneels in front of me. Looking up into my eyes, he pushes a lock of hair behind my ear in a gesture so intimate i feel my heart instantly begin to thrum in my chest. 'Try to get some sleep, you look tired. There are clothes in there.' He points to the door to the right. 'We have a busy day tomorrow' and then he leaves.
I'm not sure what to make of this whole thing. On autopilot I get undressed, leave my clothes on the armchair near the dresser and make my way into the closet. It is huge and really well organised, with Adam's suits, jackets shirts neatly hung up in lighted cupboards. I open a drawer: watches, another drawer; ties, another; t shirts carefully folded, another; boxer shorts. Adam's things.
Super efficient. It feels like Adam, but at the same time it doesn't too. This whole place, his things and the way he looked at me. The Adam I knew was a stream lined version of this one. Now he has grown, everything is more opulent but I still see that efficiency, the perfection, evidence of immaculate  organisation in his closet.  Colour coded, sharp, clean lines.
Exhausted, just trying to understand it all, I realise I don't care. I'm too tired. I take a white t -shirt and some of his boxers from a drawer, then make my way into the bathroom. there's only one toothbrush. I don't bother looking for another. I use it.

Once in bed, I look up to see Another chandelier hanging above me, inside a tiered ceiling, with more crystals. The prisms on the ceiling cast light and shadows across the walls, reminding me of water.

I wonder if I will be sleeping alone tonight and despite my wariness and resistance to Adam, I'm just too tired to worry about it. Under the cooling hum of the air conditioner, I suddenly find myself snuggled under the duvet and I'm gone.