At His Mercy

Adam

As the sun sets, I find myself looking out over the firey sea raging before dying into the night. 
It's been 3 days since I left Lahore. It's not really helped. If anything I feel more confused than ever. All this disquiet has been further confounded by the fact that everything and everyone reminds me of Aya. The feathery breeze, the beauty of the sunset and every conversation n I have begins with her. 'How is Aya? where is Aya? why didn't you bring her with you? it's a shame she isn't here!' Anyone would think that I never existed without her! People I've known my whole life, are happier to hear about her than me. whats worse is my words are lame -even to my own ears. incompetent sounds that die a pathetic death. withering away like the optimistic glisten in the listeners eyes. 

I've called home twice, both times spoken to my mother, who is either hiding her concern or worse probably relieved that I'm not upsetting her precious daughter in law in her delicate condition.  Aya's actually driven me out of my own home!

I hate myself for sitting here on the beach at sunset like a love sick forlorn teenager. what a cliche.  I laugh bitterly. It's all so pathetic.  

Then amongst the wallowing, a thought suddenly strikes me: what if I don't have a choice about anything? what if she just ups and leaves like I did? I can't actually hold her prisoner! my lawyer has tried to delay the divorce documents going through, informed the council that we are in the process of trying to reconcile our marriage and that Aya is actually living with me.  I also instructed him to tell the council that we are currently involved in an intimate  relationship at the moment, perhaps that will delay things further.  now with the pregnancy, I can imagine things will become even more complicated. No doubt the council will have contacted Aya.  There's nothing like an unplanned pregnancy to put a spanner in the works.  

The baby.

I think of the life we have created, the life we lost and there is a sadness that sits in the forefront of my mind. I can't even allow myself to be hopeful of the future, if it should be taken away. . . . . 9 months of uncertainty, 9 months of worrying.  Its not even about us anymore. 

Zara, Ami Ji, no doubt the whole household will know by now. wont be long before the fanfare begins. only one problem, no-one knows the truth.  that it is all a lie.  And Aya? well she'll hold me to my word.  If I said I'd let her go, I will have to let her go- even if it's the last thing I want.  Baby or no baby.  I don't think the situation will change for her. she has a decent job, an apartment, she'll be free to take full control of what she wants for our child. Why would she stay with me interfering with her plans? 

That's not to say she won't let me be apart of the baby's life. Of course we'll end up becoming the parents who pour all our attention, love and dreams into our child rather than each other. it'll suit her down to the ground.  No doubt she will martyr herself, live happily knowing she is destined to be alone. 

The more I think about the possibility of Aya leaving with our baby, the more alarmed and irrational I begin to feel.  it creeps up on me and I feel a sudden sense of panic and urgency take a hold of me.

Yes, there are a lot of things that we should have done differently.  I shouldn't have left her, she should have told me as soon as she found out about the baby.  But one thing is clear, we can't make the same mistakes again.  we can't be held hostage to the past.  I've got to fight with everything I've got.  For Aya, For myself. 

perhaps we owe it to the baby we lost. . .

I love Aya, I have since I first saw her across that lecture hall.  Even when I convinced myself that I hated her, a part of me knew I hated myself more.  It's safer to live in your ignorance than to take a leap of faith and step into the light.  It's time to face the music- fight for what I really want. It's all I can do, put myself out there and see what happens. I can't- I won't continue playing games with her, live my life with regrets, 'should've, could've, would've!' 

I wont do it again.