At His Mercy

Part 34-aya

The sound of The Daydream fills the air suddenly scaring me. I look up to see Adam stood at the CD player at the far side of the room, I didn' t even hear him come into the living room.

He's messing with your mind, I tell myself. My chest feels restricted suddenly. The sound of the music feels like water stinging an open wound. It cascades through my memories, uncovering feelings and thoughts I haven't considered for some time. When did I hear this last? I feel the unexpected,overwhelming and inexplicable urge to cry, the tears building. I heard this in a patient's room after my mother died. It hit a nerve even then, reminding me about how fragile the human spirit can be. Especially at that time, it felt like mine had shattered. I remember thinking i was alone in the world, I could have died that day and there would be no one who would even know I had gone.
It had caused an agony inside me so deep, I had felt my heart actually ache in that moment. I had lost one person for another and now I had no one. How music could affect anyone so deeply was a wonder.
It's a haunting melody, which under any other circumstances would have been hopeful despite the distinct tone of regret- it had filled me with an inconsolable agony when i first heard it and now. . .

I don't know if its the music or the memory that it has triggered that heightens my anxiety. I feel my heart squeeze and I turn my face down wards to the book open in my lap, unsure if I can bare the rest. it feels like an agony I can't take. as the piano stills for a second, I take a deep breath and try to force the air out of my lungs slowly.

He must see my chest rise or a change in my breathing because Adam suddenly looks across at me from the other sofa. Under his scrutiny, I try to feign indifference turning the page of my book carefully. But the words have disappeared under a blurry mist.
He leans forward and from the periphery I see him pick up some documents from the coffe table and lean back into the sofa across from me beginning to read them.
Sitting like this feels strange. . . With this music. It feels like this crevice which has formed between us will never be filled. Despite the physical proximity, we've become two ships passing in the night.
I want to look up at him, see whether he is affected at all by the music the way I am, but I keep my eyes locked on the text in front of me. Perhaps I'm afraid I'll be unable to hide the disappointment, hurt or accusation the melody seems to be evoking in me.
When did I become this weak person full of uncertainty? Pathetic, wallowing in the mistakes of my past. I want to be tougher, like Adam. I want to forget and move forward.
Suddenly the past feels like a burden I've been carrying with me, I'm tired, exhausted. I swallow. Look up just as a tear slips down my cheek.
Adam's eyes are fixed on me. Watches the tear on my cheek travel down. Watchful and quiet. Then he is up, striding around the table till he is kneeling in front of me. He pulls the book from my hands and places it on the coffee table behind him, leans in and pulls me onto his lap, holding me to him.
A part of me weeps from relief. I've not forged those memories of the two people who were in love 5 years ago. That they were real and the memory of them is still raw and painful, but despite this, a fragment of those two people still lives within us. Another part of me is bitter and resentful. He did this to me! He abandoned me like everyone else in the world. Life stole my father, took my mother but I never ever expected Adam to be the one who would chose to leave. To give up on us so easily. All my hopes placed in his hands and he let me down.
I want to let this negative emotion go, but the feeling of being tricked and decived hurts. He gave up on me. On us! Was the first to break team. Part of me, the bit that let him see that vulnerability, that trusted him enough to take care of me-despite every instinct telling me this would end badly, is angry.
I let myself become dependent on him, gave him what little trust I had. Don't do it on your own, let me take on the burden with you. Hadn't those been his words?
But when it came to it, he cared only for himself. Now, here we are again and I am certain of only one truth: my heart can't take another catastrophe like the one 5 years ago. I won't be able to survive it.
I can feel myself slipping into that same pattern of behaviour. Being with Adam hurts because it reminds me of how we were before. Every action, gesture and look is a throwback to those two naive people who met under such hopeful guises.
Every time I laugh or smile I feel this sense of guilt, which comes from feeling like I'm deceiving only myself. Every second of happiness or joy feels like treachery against myself. I can't even claim to be pretending, its beginning to feel as real as it did before.
I want to say something but there are no words, even if there were, where would I start? I want him but don't? I love him but can't forgive him? I trust him with my body but not my mind or heart? This hurricane of emotions is so overwhelming, I can't even think straight any more. Feelings of suspicion, hope, love and bitter resentment are whirling around and taking on an energy of their own.
I look up into his face, his eyebrows are furrowed and there is an expression in his eyes which I can't read.
Perhaps he's as lost as I am. . .

https://open.spotify.com/track/4Ld4kbKo1eOzToQ0P8JA0V?si=12ZnAqQrTWOxNmXdLVjeAA