At His Mercy

41- Adam8

A storm of thoughts ricochets around inside my head. It's disconcerting. How could she not tell me she was pregnant? How could she hide it? That life was apart of me too! Her lack of trust, her selfish attitude, always thinking of herself and no one else. Aggrieved, waves of anger and resentment crash inside my head at the thought of her actually making the decision not to tell me. How could she conceal something of such magnitude?something so momentous in our lives unless she never intended to keep the baby. Or even worse if she kept it but didn't want me in her life anymore- maybe it was the ultimate revenge. I mull silently over all the malicious possibilities, descending further and further into a whirlpool of discontent.
Then, almost suddenly, I think about the fact that she was on her own. I left her to deal with it all herself. She didn't have anyone to reassure her, confide in, or console her, friends and family were scarce. She would have carried the death around with her like a burden. It would have consumed her from within. I think about the vulnerable girl, the one who opened up to me. Trusted me and then suddenly didn't any more. My chest constricts at the thought of her being on her own through it all. feelings of contrition and shame seem to grip me. What if I caused the miscarriage? The stress and upset from my leaving induced and precipitated the loss of our baby. Then the blame lies with me. It's intolerable. How can she even look at me let alone be with me now knowing I am responsible.
Then there are moments when I cannot accept that her opinion of me could have been so low as to think i would abandon her with my child. In the same way I know that she would never ever have entertained the option of an abortion despite any resentful suspicion I may have against her. She wouldn't have done it, its not who she is, she's many things but not vindictive and definitely not self destructive.
I didn't want to leave, I had no other choice. Had i been given even an inkling that she was pregnant, I would never have returned to Pakistan or worst case scinario: I would have carried her kicking and screaming if necessary, with me. Never let her out of my sight.
I left for my father, she stayed for her mother and we both lost the chance to become parents ourselves. It seems life is not without irony. I laugh bitterly at the thought.
How utterly devastating it is to hear of this joyous news of Aya's pregnancy, whilst mourning for the life we lost all those years ago.
Suddenly, it's as clear as the blue sky, this relationship, which I thought I could easily control, pick up where we left off, it's been a cruel joke. Neither of us will win, neither will emerge unscathed. The wounds of the past never healed and this whole episode has just exacerbated the torment we faced in our own little hell.
Nothing is clear. I can't even decide how I feel, my mind us clouded by all these thoughts and feelings. I need space, time and distance to get my thoughts in order. No doubt I will inevitably say or do something wrong. After the miscarriage how can I risk any confrontation between us? Damn her! Everything between us makes me question myself. I never feel sure footed, always stood on sinking sand when it comes to Aya. I need to think carefully about how I'm going to approach this. I don't think we can pretend there was no pregnancy 5 years ago- although I imagine that this is exactly what Aya will want the most. There are so many unanswered questions and I won't ever be able to fully trust her again if we don't clear the air. . . But I must tread carefully. I could lose her forever, that is if it hasn't already happened.