At His Mercy

Part 22-aya

What happened to the man I fell in love with? Was any of it real, or have my memories become distorted. 

5 years ago. . .

I'm lying in bed, with my head in his lap, reading.  Stroking my hair with his  hand, just enjoying the feeling of being together. He let's his fingers trail over my  forearms and i sigh, stretching out like a cat in the sun. He gives me a lazy grin that suddenly turns to mischief. I smile back  down at him and raise my eyebrows and then wink at him. His smile widens, enjoying the flirtatious looks we are sharing in this intimate moment

I know I look terrible.  I haven't slept for the last 48 hours and even then, I made a promise with myself that I would attempt some revision at Adam's, even if it was just going over stuff that I already know.  He raises a hand to my cheek and then lets his thumb trace the skin under my eyes, I see the concern in them as his brows furrow and it embarrasses me.  Suddenly, I feel vulnerable, is he seeing something he doesn't like? Oh God! I must look a mess. I pull my face away from his hand and turn to look out of the window.  The traffic is flowing, the day coming to an end.  Something shifts between us.

I trusted him completely with my life. He clipped on those cuffs and I didn't even think twice -i gave myself completely to him-and I didn't regret it.  I surrendered myself and realised what true love was. All he did was make me focus on the present,  on him and the feelings he aroused in me. I learned how to let go of everything. one moment I was worrying about papers I needed to hand in, revision, exams, mum, doctors, hospital appointments and medications I needed to administer.  It was a tornado of spiralling thoughts and expectations all hurled together in one big mess.  Even in those first few months with Adam, a part of me never quite managed to escape from the constant worry. When he placed those cuffs on me, I could finally let go.  

It was nothing but trust.  I let him take over my body.  Surrendered my mind to him, even if it was only for an hour, it set me free. 

I think about the way he blind folded me.  Wanted me to focus only on the sensations of his touch. It seemed as if his only purpose was to give me pleasure and I let him. His every touch was excruciating, every breath on my skin torture.  Even before he took me -I was alive, my skin on fire, my mind consumed with him. I had been walking through life like a zombie, consumed by fear and anxiety -afraid of the control I just didn't have over my life.  But in those moments I could trust him to make all those decisions for me.  there was something soothing about The way he instinctively seemed to take care of me. 

5 years ago. . .
The sting on the palm of my hand was so bizarre.  I gasped at the sensation it aroused in me, my skin smarting, but then a tingling feeling that somehow seemed to radiate from the exact point of contact.  I remember the agony of expectation as I felt the crop leather move down my back, across my buttocks, tracing the downward slope of my breast.

Afterwards, I had felt guilty, there must be something wrong with me enjoying the pain.  Something really worrying and perverse, if the only way I could feel alive was to be exposed to this kind of agony or discomfort. But the logic was a mute point, the experience may have been many things but it only fuelled a deeper dependancy on Adam, which could only have been compared to an addiction.  It was liberating, but emotionally exhausting too.

Another memory of him holding me tightly and kissing me gently on the temples, rocking me in his arms, stroking my hair.  I might have been some kind of pathetic submissive, but he made me feel like I was cared for, protected. Looking back on it now, I can see how insular we were becoming.
He was like the air I breathed.

Did I see him as a dominant? I don't know if I ever did.  Every action was designed for my enjoyment, pleasure and release.  There was never any element of fury or feelings of resentment or fear.  Only a desire to please each other, so fundamental to our lovemaking- and I call it that because it cannot be interpreted as anything else. 

I remember the feeling of rope around my hands, up my arms, circling my waist. it was the most sensual thing I had every experienced.  Adam carefully winding the silk this way and that securing it, made me feel delivered from my own bleak prison. secure. 

The whole process had felt like he was making love to me. With my hands tied behind my back, shoulder blades squeezing together, fingers interlocked. I sat on my knees till my thighs began  to seize up.  But the tension in my muscles seems to be juxtaposed with this feeling of floating.  I felt light headed.  Euphoria beginning to creep up on me. It must have been the endorphins kicking in.  His fingers were on my chin and he  tilted my head up to his. I  tried to focus  on Adam but was a little disoriented, my vision a little blurry around the edges.
'Ok, baby?' He said, his warm hand cupping my face.