FanBoy| Phan

Chapter 5

DANS POV

The day after I met phil was the day my world started to crumble.

Nothing felt worth it anymore.
As much as I tell myself you literally just met the guy whose kept you going this long I can't stop feeling like shit.

I've been holding onto meeting Phil for so long that now that it's over.. I feel like I have nothing to look forward to.
Nothing seems worth living for anymore.

Meeting Phil was the best day of my life, It can't get any better than that, I reached my peak.

I felt like everything was falling apart right in front of me, and I couldn't do anything about it.

I sat on my bed in a deadly silence, feeling like I couldn't even move.

I wanted to cry, I wanted to scream and yell but all I could do was stare at the blank wall in front of me.

I was at the point where I couldn't even put into words how I was feeling.
It's something I can't explain, it's like my chest hurts but it feels so empty.
It's like I want to scream something but I don't have the energy to even get a whisper out.

I don't even think I feel sad.. I just feel nothing.
It's like I don't exist. Everything hurts, but at the same time, I can't feel anything.

I feel like I'm drowning and no one can pull me out.
I can't.. live like this anymore.

My family don't give a shit, I don't have friends, I don't have anyone.

I don't belong here, I never did and I never will.

My chest felt like it was on fire, it felt like my lungs would collapse if I took one more breath.

"I-I can't do this." I sobbed quietly to myself.

I ran my hands through my hair and silently screamed, scrunching my eyes up tight.

I balled my hands into fists and slowly got up from my bed, reaching for my camera and setting it up on a stand, not bothering to set up my lighting.

I took a few breaths before clicking record.

I sat there for about forty minutes, trying to put everything into words.

Nothing's harder than trying to explain something you don't even understand yourself.

Nothings harder than trying not to breakdown in front of a camera to an audience of seventy thousand.

Nothings harder than trying to live, and failing every time.

"I just want to be happy." I sniffled.

I rolled my eyes and laughed dryly.
I'm trying to explain everything to a fucking camera.

What happened to friends, or caring family members who would sit down with you and let you rant for hours?
What happened to people who actually gave a shit?
I've never had that.
Ever

I've had to rely on a stupid camera to an audience of strangers to make me feel better.

I just want everything to stop.
I'm trying.. was trying to make things positive. I tried to put a silver lining to everything but that doesn't do shit.
If anything it makes things worse, it makes me feel fucking delusional.

The only thing I was living for is over.
What now?
There's nothing left.

Everything's a mess, I'm a mess, my life's a goddamn mess.

"There's just nothing left for me anymore, you know?" I mumbled, covering my face with my hands and breathing in deeply.

I knew I'd have to cut a load out of this video, I don't want it any longer than five minutes.
I've been recording for around fifty minutes now, trying to put my feelings into actual sentences.

I pressed stop on the camera to calm myself down for the last section of the video.

I sighed deeply, feeling like my lungs were going to burst.

"I can't believe in even doing this." I mumbled to myself.

I reached out my shaking hand to turn the camera back on.

A single tear rolled down my cheek as I said the last words I'd ever say on YouTube.
"Goodbye Internet."