FanBoy| Phan

Chapter 23

DANS POV

As soon as my eyes flickered open, my brain was bombarded of memories from the night before. The smell of clean sheets from my bed ,which I had not slept in for a while before last night, wafted up my nose as a reminder that I hadn't gone to bed with Phil.

I lay there for a second, contemplating whether I wanted to get up to face Phil or just sleep in for the rest of the day.

Did I really want to do this?
Did I really want to push him away so my family would finally accept me?

I shook my head and ruffled my fingers through my hair, shuffling up so I was sat in an up right position.

The sound of floorboards creaking notified me that Phil was awake, making me sigh softly to myself.

Hesitantly, I dragged myself out of bed, telling myself I'd have to grit my teeth and bear it, though I'm not sure if I could deal with the clear sadness that will spread across his face when he realises I'm still trying to avoid him.

I trudged across my bedroom and traipsed out the door, walking down down the hall and into the kitchen before immediately turning back around, realising Phil was in there making himself breakfast.

"Dan?" He called out.
I sped-walked into the living room, trying not to make a conversation with him.
I leapt onto the sofa, and took my phone out, pretending to be occupied on that.

"Hey bub, you feeling any better?" He asked soothingly, calmly strolling over to me.

I shrugged quickly, continuing to scroll through my instagram feed.
He frowned slightly and took a seat next to me, "Dan?" Phil asked, placing his hand lightly on my thigh.
I flinched, shuffling away slightly.
"Dan have I done something?" He whispered, my throat tightening as I heard the pain and sadness in his voice.
I wanted to hug him, I wanted to tell him that I loved him, but all I could do was ignore him and pretend that he didn't exist.

~ ~

I chuckled to myself whilst reading the comments that were rapidly appearing on my livestream.
After spending about half an hour in silence on the sofa with Phil, I decided I'd start a live stream to take my mind off things, and so far it was working.
Until I accidentally read a comment I'd been hoping would appear.
"Is phan real? No." I replied bluntly, refraining from rolling my eyes.
I didn't usually have a problem with people shipping me and Phil but if my parents found out they'd be so disappointed.
Sighing quietly, I continued to answer questions and chat with my audience until I'd been talking for about an hour.
"It was nice chatting with you, but I'm gunna go get food now." I laughed, waving goodbye and ending the livestream.

Closing my eyes gently, I shut my laptop lid and sat back on my bed, groaning slightly.

I heard a small creak come from my doorway, making my eyes snap open.

Phil was stood there, looking nervous.
"What?" I asked, bluntly and monotonously.
"I-uh, was wondering if you wanted me to make you some lunch." He told me quietly.

Shaking my head, I slid off my bed.
"No, I'm going out. I'll get some then." I barged past him, my eyes watering.
Being horrible to Phil was harder than I could've imagined.

He grabbed my wrist, making me jump in shock.
"Let me go." I muttered, trying to stop tears from falling.
"Dan, talk to me. Please." He begged, his voice wavering.
"There's nothing to talk about." I replied through gritted teeth, my lip quivering slightly.

"Look at me." He whispered.
"No."
"Look at me." He repeated, raising his voice.

I turned to face him, a tear rolling down my cheek as soon as I did.
His eyes looked tired and glassy and he had large grey bags under them- I assume he got as little sleep as I did last night.

"I don't know what I've done, but whatever it is I'm sorry." He whispered, a tear dropped from his eye, barely skimming his cheek.

"You haven't done anything." I murmured, trying to turn around again.
He grabbed my shoulders firmly, "Then tell me what's wrong."
"Nothing wrong Phil." I snapped, desperate to leave.
"Well there obviously is Dan." He spat.
I sighed loudly, "I don't wanna deal with this, just let me leave."
"Deal with what? I just wanna help!" Phil exclaimed desperately.
"I don't need your help!" I bellowed, wishing he'd leave me alone so I didn't have to hurt him anymore.

"Then what do you need?" He whimpered, sounding so small and hurt.
"Nothing, I don't need anything." I told him, tears rapidly spilling out from my eyes.

Phil continued to ramble on whilst I debated in my head whether or not to tell him something that wasn't true, that I didn't want to say, that I'm not sure if I could say.

But Phil didn't show any sign of stopping or letting me go any time soon and I didn't want him to catch on to what was happening so it soon became my only option

"I don't love you anymore." I blurted out.

He immediately stopped talking and gaped at me in shock.
Those five words sounded so wrong and weren't right coming from my mouth, especially towards Phil. I immediately felt a small pang in my chest as I realised what I'd just said.

"W-What?" He stuttered.
I took a long shaky breath, "I-I don't love you anymore Phil."

His cheeks were wet with tears as he frantically started shaking his head.
"N-no you don't mean that." He cried, his voice cracking.
My lip quivering before I broke down into sobs, quickly moving to the corner of the corridor so I could hide my face in the wall.
"No, you're right, I don't mean it." I blubbered, loud sobs escaping my lips.

I felt his hands wrap around my waste, "It's okay bub, you're okay." He croaked.

And the truth is, I never felt more okay when I was around Phil, and that was more than I ever felt with my family.