accidentally married to you // nct jaehyun (nct series #1)

chapter six

"wait, wait, wait lang," naguguluhang sabi ni yeji. "nakita mo si jaehyun sunbae na ka-make out si rosé sunbae then you ACTUALLY got married to jaehyun - all this in a span of two days?!"

tumango ako. "pretty much."

"i take it back, i don't wanna live your life," she said, raising her hands na parang na-arrest siya. umiling ako at bumuntong hininga. i don't want to live this life, either. "he could fall in love with you."

"tangina mo," mura ko. "walang-wala nga ako kay rosé 'di ba? 'di naman ako maganda, 'di rin maganda katawan ko--"

"tangina mo," mura niya pabalik. "gaga ka ba?! tingin mo hindi tatakbo si jyp sa 'yo upang i-recruit ka sa us kung 'di ka maganda o talentado?"

"i have an average face. kailangan kong mag-diet constantly at mag-gym para i-MAINTAIN ang body weight ko. in terms of religion, hindi talaga ako ganoon ka-committed compared sa kanya. mabait siya at may manners siya, hindi tulad kong nagmumura-mura kung saan-saan at sobrang blunt."

"that's your charm," sabi niya at umupo nang maayos. "you're so real, alam mo 'yun? you don't need to have a fake attitude to impress people. actually, wala kang pake, eh. but you also know your limits."

"that's not true, i want to impress people," i mumbled but enough for her to hear it. 

"whatever," she rolled her eyes. "but you have a different charm, eonni. you're special."

everyone wants to be different. everyone wants to be special. everyone wants people to like them. everyone wants to get accepted by the society. the society dictates us all. 

basically, that's how i am living my life. i am a public figure. i am here to entertain the public and to give them what they want and what they need, therefore i am letting myself to be dictated by them. and now? the people wanted me to go to we got married, and so here i am. 

noong nailabas ang news na na-cast ako sa wgm with an nct member, there were mixed reactions. some people were excited to see a new, up-and-coming face in a program about virtual marriage. some people were negative because of my age, but some were angry because i was paired with an nct member. 

then there were toxic tweets on twitter and hate comments on my instagram. soon, there were parcels with dead roses or white lilies or death threats written in blood. it was scary, i did not go out for days except for music shows. most gigs, hindi ako pumunta. jyp wouldn't let me, but he wouldn't sue the people sending me death threats or giving me hate. sabi niya, initial reaction lang 'yan ng fan. 

pero in my years as a fan, i've never thought of doing those. 

jyp instead increased my security kaya hindi ako pinapalabas noon. another reason he didn't sue is because it's bad for business and friendship, aka lee soo man. magkaibigan ang jyp at sm, and he wouldn't risk it. kung magsu-sue kami, sm ang maapektuhan. i cannot be selfish now, can i? i shouldn't be for nct. 

after two weeks the threats died out. after two weeks i was able to walk around again and attend gigs. for two weeks i was dictated by society.

ngunit ngayon, i cannot stop thinking, pero paano ang gusto ko? i have been pleasing people so much. what about me? when will my turn come? 

obviously, hindi ko pa 'to panahon. hindi ko ginustong makasal. at hindi ko ginustong makasal sa kanya. 

"annyeonghaseyo," bati ko sa staff at pd pagkapasok na pagkapasok ko sa café. bumati naman sila sa akin. i can't help but stare at the set - the staff hustling in and around, out and about; the lights that are moved here and there, changing colors; the camera and audio equipment being moved just to find the right angle. it's mesmerizing.