Illicit

Disagreements

Chapter 18.

"Nick can we talk?" I asked him standing in the doorway of his study.

After cleaning myself up, I found Nick in the bar downstairs nursing a Rum and coke. Part of me expected him to be somewhere with Alexa. Attentively listening to her blab about how she was a former gymnast and how far she could drop down into a split finding him alone gutted me. I was officially the antagonist in out relationship.The person with the fault big enough to end our marriage. The way he looked at me had me wanting to cry. He was hurt.

Fucking Vain the morning after was one thing but allowing it to happen again while Nick waited for me was cruel and low. I was the lowest of the low.

This thing with Vain had escalated from bad to worse in a matter of hours, and I knew that if I didn't tell Nick the truth it would only get worse. I could see it imploding from a mile away.

"Please, Nick," I implored.

He huffed an exaggerated breath.

Nick looked away from his computer. "Now you want to talk?" He asked. His voice was laced with fury. "You didn't want to talk when I asked you back at the club. You didn't want to talk at dinner. Now you want to talk while I'm working. I have a deadline," he said acidly.

He had a point but I couldn't let that stop me.

"There's a lot I need to tell you. I wanted to come to you with a clear head," I explained.

He turned his attention back to his computer. "Carmella I'm working, alright? Maybe later."

"What I have to say is important. If I don't tell you now I'm afraid I never will. " My voice was a whine fear and guilt had wrapped itself around my throat.

"I don't have time." His eyes were scrolling over the text of his webpage before he finished speaking and I knew that was his way of checking out of our conversation.

"You don't have time for anything anymore! I'm knocking my head against the table begging for your attention and you just look the other way. Instead of giving me your undivided time and attention you passed me off to someone else." The fact that he hadn't looked up from his screen made me furious. "I understand that your angry with me for changing my mind about him. I know you expected me to say no but I'm a flesh and blood woman. I feel deprived in this marriage. And you kept pushing. And Vain and I connected . . ."

And he does everything you don't. He doesn't treat me like a flower. He says what he means. He pays attention to me.  And he can fuck, and I needed it. I needed it more than I needed air. I don't want to hurt you but I can't control the need I have for him. Help me, please. I don't know what to do.

But I couldn't tell Nick any of that.

He couldn't handle it.

Tears caught in my throat.

He was silent. And then, "Can we talk about this later? I don't have time for this."

"You don't have time for this?" I mocked in a sniveling sing-song. "What does that mean? You don't have time for me? You don't have time for our marriage?" The anger crept into my voice even when I tried to will it away.

"Not right now. Not when I tried to get you to speak up earlier!" He shouted spitefully. "The entire world doesn't revolve around satisfying you. I have work to get done. We'll talk later."

I pushed his papers off the desk capturing his attention and holding it. His eyes blazed murderously. The veins in his neck were pulsing and swelling dangerously but I didn't care. I had a point and I was going to make it whether he wanted to hear it or not. I wasn't ready to throw away my marriage especially not because of Vain.