Illicit

CHOOSE

Vain or Nick?

Nick or Vain?

Vain or Nick?

Nick or Vain?

Both names were on constant rotation in my mind along with Vain's decision to put me on a clock.

Vain's was an arrogant son of a bitch but that was one of the things I admired about him. Not many men would come up to a married woman and ask to spend a night with her. Swinger club or not.

I was outside of my apartment pacing back and forth in my fabulous shoes. My feet ached but I couldn't face Nick until my thoughts were unscrambled.

How was I suppose to choose between two such different men? They were like night and day. Choosing only one would be like choosing between the sun and the moon.

Nick was simple, sweet, romantic, conventional, passive, and ambitious. He was a provider. He valued wealth and stability and family. He supported my career. We knew each other well. He'd been the man in my life for a long time. I chose to spend my life with him. But I couldn't ignore the fact that we had both changed over the course of eight years. Or, was it just me who changed?

Even if Nick was capable of forgiving me for my infidelity, for lying to him, would he eventually resent me? Would we truly be able to move on? Or would this affair be the thing left unsaid that would ultimately cause a rift in our relationship one that we couldn't overcome? Could our relationship ever be rebuilt after such a betrayal? And if I loved Nick as much as I claimed to, why was it so easy for me to lie to him?

The only answer I could come up with was my mother? She did the exact same thing to my dad when I was younger? Was there a gene embedded in my DNA that was the root of this affair? Was my subconscious the reason lying to Nick came so easy?

Vain, on the other hand, was thrilling, spontaneous, mysterious, sexy, dominating, and gruff. He was the type of man that I had always been secretly attracted to. He was the drug I was too weak to deny. He satisfied me in every way. He never neglected my needs.

He was attentive. He was my something to
look forward to. He was my adventure, my dirty little secret, and in many ways my flaw. From the very beginning we were unavoidable. But not knowing where our relationship would lead was terrifying.

If I chose Vain what would that mean? Would we be in a relationship? Would we be fuck buddies? If I weren't involved with Nick would Vain have found me as appealing?

I believed he became so smitten with me was because he couldn't be with me all the time. But if we ended up together would he get bored with me? Would the excitement and the illicit feelings cause our chemistry to wane? Would Vain break my heart? Would I end up with him and discover he was not the man I thought he was? Was he even capable of giving me the future I wanted?

In the off chance that Nick could forgive me, and Vain decided that his feelings for me were in fact genuine who did I want? Which one of them brought out the best in me? Which one of them would be a good father and provider? Which one of them could love me in spite of my flaws? Which one of them was capable of loving me for a lifetime? Which one of them would give me the love and affection and attention that I desired? Which one of them was the man I was meant to be with?

I couldn't understand why the decision was mine anyway. I was the antagonist. Villains shouldn't get to choose anyone. Villains end up alone wallowing in their misery. Dwelling on their mistakes. The villain should beg for forgiveness and still not be forgiven. Somehow I knew that both Nick and Vain would hurt much more than me.

The time on my phone read 2:04 a.m. and I was still strolling up and down the street just outside of my apartment. It was too late to be traipsing around but I wasn't ready to face Nick.