Can I Have Your Attention Please

Chapter 25: A Dark Sadness

QOC: Do you hate me now? ( I'm sorrryyyy )

o • O • o
Sam's POV
O • o • O

Numb.

There's really nothing else to feel when you're in a state of shock. There's nothing else to feel when you've just been told that you're going to die.

I guess I just wasn't expecting it. Because for once, I felt like my life was piecing together. I was going to buy an apartment for me and Emily to live in. I was going to be happy with her. And I've finally made real friends that I actually care a lot about. Now that I have them, they're going to be ripped away from me? How is this even fair?

The doctors tell me it's not fair at all. It sucks. But it's inevitable.

The tumor is pressing against some part of my brain that I can't remember the name of. It's too dangerous to remove, because it's grown so largely over - what they estimate to be - a seven month's time. There's no way they'd be able to cut it out without completely killing me, and that advice would come from any outstanding neurosurgeon in the world. Therefore, my tumor is classified as malignant.

So basically I'm just on a death clock.

But I can go home and get my surgery at whatever hospital I choose. In surgery, they'll reduce the size of the tumor by taking as much as they can out without it being deathly. Still, by the time they do that, they believe that the cancer will still be too far grown.

So, I will then endure a long time of chemotherapy, which is supposed to help slow the tumor's growth or stop my symptoms (such as the seizure I had). Other symptoms include loss of vision, cognitive skills, or even just speaking. I could lose my focus and concentration completely, which has already been happening.

Apparently I'd been showing symptoms all along, and I didn't get into the hospital soon enough. The headaches were there all the time. I just thought nothing of them. I only imagined them to be painful headaches and nothing more — because they'd eventually pass. But Dr. Juné told me that I should've had them checked out if they were so frequent, because then, they could've taken the tumor out before it grew too large to handle.

Too late.

Besides, I can't pay for hospital visits. The downside to all this - other than my unavoidable death - is the payments. The surgery, stays at hospitals, and chemo would all cost me more than I could afford. So I can't do that. I can't get whatever little help I need. What's the point in paying all that money when I'm just going to die anyway? They can't do anything, whether I'd like to believe it or not. All they can do is break down my body even further by sending radiation through it, and possibly making the tumor smaller. So, I'm screwed.

I don't even know how I'm going to cover the costs of staying at this hotel in Tahiti. Not a lot of the nurses or doctors spoke English, and if they did, I couldn't understand their grammar. Eventually I gave up on trying to comprehend them and had Kason translate everything to me from French to English. It put him through even more emotional stress, though, so I told him he didn't have to. Yet, he still did.

I don't really know where to go from here. Yesterday was when Kason held me close to him while I had a complete melt and breakdown. Now that that's over, all I feel is this sort of emptiness. And I wish it'd go away. Because I don't need it. If I'm going to die, then I don't want to spend whatever time I have left sulking about it.