Bangtan's Baby Girl {K.TH} | BTS FF/Mafia AU ✓

Chapter 54

Hey guys, Ao here in bold font! I just wanted to say thank you for your guy's patience with me as I completed this week's chapters. As well as thank you for your heartwarming comments! It means a lot to me that you care about me 💜 But anyways, let's get on with the story!

I was hesitant to accept the weapons Namjoon had ordered for me, housed in a silver case. I was left alone with them while he checked in with the other boys. There was a bitter, and metallic taste in my mouth as I stared at the dual guns and single army knife; how could I use these? It was never my intention to hurt anyone at the safe house, I didn't have control of my body at that time; I blacked out and only woke up to find myself back at the mansion. Something took over me and killed those people without me being aware of what was happening. It was like a monster lying dormant in my body, waiting to be let out as soon I fall unconscious in a dangerous situation. This thing inside me, I didn't like it, it's not who I am. Having these weapons with me, it isn't safe, not for me, not for the boys.

Sucking in my breath, I slammed the case closed, locking it with the manual password dial. I just couldn't trust myself with these weapons, I'm going to hurt someone if these are within arm's reach. If that happens, I could never forgive myself, I wouldn't even be able to live with the guilt. They're my family, my life; what kind of person would I be if I aimed a gun at them? I shook my head furiously, trying to get those thoughts out of my head. There is no way I'm going to bring these, no way am I going to use them. I honestly appreciate what Namjoon is trying to do to protect me, but it doesn't feel right to have guns and a knife at my disposal.

I picked up the case and tossed it onto the chair beside our bed. I wanted nothing more than to just forget about what I saw, what Namjoon gave me. But how could I? As the case sits in the corner, I hear it calling out to my inner demons and I don't like it. Odd as it sounds, I feel its sharp claws trying to tear away at the cage keeping it subdued. I'm scared that I'm going to lose myself again and go after that case, desperately trying to open it and feel the cold metal of the gun handles in my palms. To hear the gunpowder being ignited within the barrel. Just the feeling made me sick.

"Sae-Young?" someone called.

I looked up, seeing Namjoon in our room. He looked at me with worried and concerned eyes. My brother quickly rushed over to me, sitting down beside me on the bed. He cupped my cheeks, making me look at him.
"Why are you crying..?" He asked in a soft voice.
I was perplexed as to why he asked that question. However, I raised my hand, letting my fingers touch my eyelashes. Sure enough, my fingertips were wet with salty tears, tears that I didn't even know were falling.

I looked at him with fearful eyes, quickly exchanging glances with my brother, then to the silver case. It terrified me more than ever that I could lose myself with Namjoon in here. He had guns strapped to his thighs, I was a disaster waiting to happen. I pulled myself away from him, afraid that I would snap, try and grab his gun and shoot him.

"It's the guns isn't it?" he asked, dropping his hand onto my thigh.
"I'm terrified Namjoon," I whimpered, wiping my tears away with the back of my hand. "I'm scared that I'll lose myself to my demons and hurt you or the others, or worse."
Namjoon scooted towards me, cupping my cheeks once again. He looked at me with understanding eyes, I knew what he was thinking. He had seen this before, he had felt this before. Namjoon knew what I was feeling, the idea of demons trying to break free and take control of me. It must have been the same for him when he took over dad's mafia. Before any of this, we had no idea of what it was like to hold a gun, much less shoot one. We didn't even think about ending someone's life because we had never heard of such a thing, or thought about doing something like that. Even before we had turned ten, we were just living simple lives with our family, not even thinking about being in a mafia.

I leaned towards my brother, laying my head on his shoulder. He gently grabbed my hand, squeezing it lightly.
"I know what you're feeling Sae-Young, the feeling of demons haunting you," he began. "It happened to me too when I started training with dad. I couldn't handle the responsibilities of killing people at first, it took me so much time to accept it."
Namjoon grabbed one of the guns from his holster, holding it in his free hand. He held it up for the both of us to see, turns it around with a flick of his wrist.
"I could even hold on to the gun after I fired it, it hit me in the face so many times," he chuckled, trying to lighten to mood.
I could imagine him in a training room with dad when he was with younger. The room would be covered in padding to accommodate to my brother's clumsiness, protecting him from getting hurt by any knockback. Namjoon would be holding a gun up, aiming it at a training dummy. His hands would shake from the new experience, anticipating what would happen if he did pull the trigger. Dad would be off to the side, telling him to relax and have control over his gun, much like when Taehyung helped me. Namjoon would try to steady his breath as he prepared to fire the gun, but only for it to result in the weapon leaving his grip, hitting his nose.
"But when I killed that first man, I threw up right beside his corpse. Hoseok was there at the time, but he was just as broken as me," he continued. "I couldn't forget the way the blood dripped from his forehead, splitting at the bridge of his nose. It wasn't easy at all. Afterwards, I was experiencing those demons, the ones trying to eat you alive and take over."

I looked at my brother with sympathetic eyes, understanding what he was talking about.
"I hate to say it, but I got used to it. The feeling of dried blood on my hands, ending another life, it became second nature. But let's look at it in a different way, those people we killed, they're plagues sort to speak. They're bad people, they've killed, stolen, they committed heinous crimes, ones that I can't even speak about, it's just not good."
"You killed them to save the good people?"
"Yeah, we did," he said, confirming my question. "Long story short, you can tame those demons, but not by actually killing. The best, for now, is to keep weapons away from you, so you don't hurt yourself. After we get Taehyung back, we'll work on this okay?"
"Okay Joon," I nodded. "Can I not hold onto those?"
I pointed towards the case.
"I don't feel comfortable."
"Of course Sae-Young," he replied, pecking my forehead.

We had all gathered in the living room before setting out. The wedding was in an hour and a half, 6:30 in the evening, so we needed to leave in the next twenty minutes. Namjoon, Suho, JB and Bang Chang were all checking in with the members, making sure everything was in place and well working. Eun-Lee Unnie, Jihee Unnie, Chopa and myself were sitting on the couch, watching the boys prepare themselves. They had many weapons strapped onto their body, meaning each and every one of them was ready for one hell of a fight.

Just as I had requested earlier, Namjoon didn't force me to hold onto the two guns and knife. He asked Han to hold onto them for me, and only give them to me if he deemed it necessary. Everyone in my team was understanding my position and fear of handling weapons, and they promised me that they would protect me three times as hard.