"The house is tiny," Matt told me on the phone, after three months apartment. "You're going to want to stay at your parent's. We're all sleeping on the floor on blankets and pillows, but we're working well,"
"When do you think you're going to release stuff,"
"We've almost got a mixtape happening. I can't imagine us needing anymore than a few months,"
At this point, Matt and I had been together for now over a year. I missed him everyday but I was able to fill the time with work and the few friends I had made. I had made a few friends who I'd met at Columbia records.
However, these friendships weren't very close. They consisted entirely of partying, drinking. All superficial really. I had begun to delve into harder drugs and more dangerous behavoiuors.. Weed had become a consistency of my life, just like how you brush your teeth before you go to bed or eat your meals.. At night I would relax by taking a hit of the bong and when I had time during the day, I would smoke a joint.
I drank more and more every Friday night. Most nights I'd stumble back home, more drunk than I thought I had the threshold for.
What changed the most was my developing ingestion of cocaine among other things. What had started as an initial try at a party, I now would busy myself with getting high when I wanted to.
However, Matt was completely unaware of my developing vices. Sure, sometimes he would call me at 12pm and i would still be asleep or I would call him while fucked
But when I visited for Christmas, he'd noticed how I had changed. He's changed too, but it was more obvious externally for me.
Matt picked me up from Houston airport and the moment he saw me, his face dropped.
He'd noticed the weight I'd lost. While not too stark, it was still noticeable for someone who knew my body so well. I was paler as well. However, there were also differences that didn't explicit negative connotations.
I had earned quite some money and my clothes were nicer. I had cut my once long and unruly curly hair into a bob and my skin had gotten clearer. I didn't look like the teenage girl he knew before, with the unruly long hair and acne ridden skin who often wore baggy, torn jeans and beat up vans that i skated in. I looked like a woman. I wasn't a different person, but I had changed. I looked tidy and, the old street/skatewear i used to wear was now upgraded to a more refined look.
I couldn't see much change in Matt except that he had bleached his hair. He was still the same old Matt He'd told me all about it when it happened, so I didn't expect it to be a surprise, but seeing my boyfriend with a completely different hair colour than what he had when I last saw him ended up being a small shock.
There wasn't much I remembered from that trip. It wasn't that i was constantly intoxicated that entire trip, but i quickly pushed it away from my consciousness as soon as it happened.
It was the first time we had seen each other after a prolonged time, it was blissful. But when I returned back to New York, I released my debut album and I reached rock bottom. I relied more on drugs and alcohol to have a good time with friends, then suddenly, it was an addiction.
Soon, I had withdrew from all aspects of life and there I was, all alone in New York. I had gotten my first own apartment and now everything was going wrong.
I wouldn't speak to Matt, for days at a time, which was a significant difference to our once routinely daily calls.
It was until, it had been three days when Matt called me and I had to answer. I needed to.
"Hello?" I answered the phone, anxiety bubbling inside me. I craved weed to calm me.
"So you actually answered," Matt mumbled. I didn't think he thought i could hear him; but I did.
"I'm sorry, I've just been having a rough few days," I told him, looking around for at least a joint.
"What's been going on? Why couldn't you call me? You know that you can always call me when stuff's going on," Matt argued.
"I'm sorry, just shit's been going a bit wild," I lied, holding the phone between my ear and my shoulder as I began rolling a joint.
He didn't know about what had been going on.
"Margot, we haven't spoken for days and even when we do, you're always distracted. What's going on, because I really don't know. I thought we were always able to discuss whats going on."
"Matt, I've just been really busy," I lied. I just didn't know what to say.
"Why do I feel like there's more to it than that?"
Matt was right. We didn't talk much after that. He got frustrated. Emotions do that to people.
We were not angry. But our distance got the best of us, and with the distance we began to grow and change as people except we weren't changing together. We weren't in each others conscience every time we made a decision.
a/n hahahah how did you like that??
