Safer This Way

Chapter 19

^^Song that Shaw/Sang sings if you're interested. I hope that you all enjoy this chapter, I had fun writing it. I apologize, again, kind of, because this is another massive cliffhanger you might just kill me for :) ...Happy reading!

*Gabriel*

    Why the fuck did I do that?

    I rip at my hair as I come to a standstill on the sidewalk between the woods and Kota's house, nowhere near fucking ready to face my brothers in the aftermath of what just happened. I'm not ready to hear them say that Shaw wasn't ready, that we need him to trust us, that I absolutely should not have just fucking done what I just fucking did.

What if we lose him over this? Fuck, what if I lose him over this?

I should have just kept my fucking mouth shut. But dumbass that I am, I thought I saw something between us, in the way that he looks at me and that I looked at him, but obviously I was wrong. So fucking wrong.

...I can't...

Two innocent words, put together though and they had the ability to fucking shatter a person. What's worse is that I have no one to blame but myself for this state of absolute fucking misery that I've found myself in. I should've waited, should've paid more attention or seen some secret sign that told me not to do it, that it wouldn't end well but I hadn't. So now all I can do is try like hell to move on and try to keep Shaw from avoiding us all again, because I can fucking step back, I can still be his friend.

Yeah, except for the fact that you just fucking declared your undying love for him, asshole. What about that screams BFF material to you?

Ignoring the voice in the back of my head, I wipe my face to get rid of the moisture that has fallen while I've been standing here in the middle of the street like a complete jackass. As I resume my walk, I can't even remember the last time I cried, and I forgot how much it fucking sucks, especially because there's no way to hide it from my brothers. They'll know what happened the second I walk through the door since I'd bet my left nut that Luke has spilled the beans by now.

The hardest part about all of this mess, is that it hasn't done anything to weaken how I feel about Shaw. I'm still pathetically in love with the guy and it's all I can fucking do not to run back there and make sure that he's okay, but I know that if I do I'll end up begging him to love me back. I'll push where I should just leave well the fuck enough alone, my brothers are always telling me not to push so hard when I want something.

There's a difference between not pushing and not fighting at all for the person you claim to love so much.

Fuck I wish there was some way to shut my conscience the fuck up, especially when all I want to do right now is fucking wallow in my own self pity for a while.

He never said he didn't love you back though.

The thought stops me cold on the edge of the woods between the houses, because it's fucking true. Shaw never said he didn't love me, truth be told he barely said anything at all, and he looked nearly as shattered as I felt to tell me that he couldn't be with me.

...I can't...

Holy fuck. Can't. He said can't. Not wouldn't, or shouldn't, or didn't want to, he said can't. And I just took that as a rejection and hightailed it out of there like my ass was on fire, because I had expected that to happen.

Why the fuck did I do that? 

Feeling like my heart is about to beat out of my chest, I turn around, ready to run back and fix everything I just fucked right up. But then I hear a choked sob from somewhere in the tree, and a fucking fantastical voice starts to sing.