Stitched up Heart

Can I Just be Normal?

Oh god. Oh, sugar! What was I doing? Why did I just let him leave? Something would happen, he promised me it wouldn't, but I have a horrible feeling about this.

'Breathe Lewis.' I told myself, 'Rhys is strong, he can stand up for himself. His dad won't hurt him.'

But he could. No matter how much I tried to convince myself, I knew it was still a possibility. Even though I hadn't seen Rhys's mum, she was still in hospital. His dad beat Rhys and his sister, he had possession of poison. Something was bound to happen.

The house seemed so big and empty. I walked round, room to room, even the small rooms seemed to stretch on for miles. It was anxiety, it made everything feel awfully overwhelming. I'd taken my tablets, I'd tried my coping techniques, I'd done everything I wasn't supposed to when it got like this. My mind refused to on anything when the person I loved was putting themselves in danger. It seemed wrong to stay home and do nothing. But that's what Rhys wanted me to do. I had to respect that.

I sat in my room, trying to beat my game, unable to get a hand on the controls today. "For god sake!" I shouted as I made a small mistake that cost me the game. I crossed my arms on the table and rested my head on them. "Oh god..." I whispered. Tears came to my eyes; I sat up and wiped them away, refusing to be weak. It was going to be fine. Why couldn't I just accept that?

Rhys had only been gone an hour but I was worried something had happened to him. There were no messages from him or anything. I was just being paranoid. He said he'd message if his dad wasn't there - so obviously his dad was there and things were getting sorted.

Good.

But what if his dad had done something to him the second he walked in, like knocked him out? Or what if he'd offered him a drink and poisoned him too? What if...

"Just shut up!" I screamed, "He's fine! This is fine! Why can't you just accept that! Why..." I started crying, "Why can't you just be normal?" I covered my face with both of my hands, my whole body shaking as I continued crying. This was driving my crazy, I was even yelling about it. About myself. To myself! It just didn't make sense anymore.

For months, I had watched Rhys at school. He'd been this quiet secluded kid, always by himself. He was the one all the girls talked about the day he moved to our school. At lunch that sat together, constantly glancing at him and giggling. I'd always just assume she he was really shy and didn't know how to make friends. I watched everyday as the girls tried to get him to hang out with them and get his number. Of course, he hadn't no interest in them. A few weeks after he moved to the school people started the rumours. They said he was messed up in the head and couldn't talk. Not true. They said he was a bully, that he'd beat up anybody who tried to talk to him. Again, not true.

Rhys, in my eyes, was just another person, fighting his own battles. If he didn't want hundreds of friends and a new girlfriend each week, that was fine. That was acceptable. I didn't have many friends myself and I defiantly didn't have many partners. I'd had people bully me for it for years (Matthew for example). So I knew how it felt. I just didn't know how to reach out to him.

At that point, I would never have thought had have and abusive, alcoholic dad who'd put his mother in hospital and make his sister move to Scotland. I never thought he'd ever share that with me of all people. Crazy how things change.

I cried for a while, letting it all out until I felt empty. It was so much better than shutting it away inside, that only made things worse. I was still worried, scared to death by the idea that his dad could kill him. But I couldn't let that take control of me. I had to try and enjoy my day. Somehow.

Rhys, Rhys, Rhys.

His name circled in my head.

I'd waited so long to have the chance to talk to him. When it came, I took it. I'd wanted to kiss him for months, I took that opportunity too. Now I wasn't letting him walk away, into so much danger. That want ok.

But it wasn't my choices, it was his. He wanted he chance to fix things with his dad and now he's making it happen. He decided that, it wasn't up to me. I respected that.

i just didn't accept it.