~ Collide ~

Vulnerable

The storm was over , and the windows in Toni's bedroom weren't full with sunlight this morning , but instead , gloominess from the rain . The only colors outside it seemed , were a depressing blue , dark green , and dark brown . Everything was soaked outside and  the rain continued to drizzle . The trees layed down where they had fallen last night from the wind .

I looked at the clock on her wall . It felt like it was early morning, but it was 9:00 and I had just woken up . I was now laying on my back , and during the night I must've let go of Toni . I turned me head over to look and Toni laying there scrunched up and her head slightly tucked in to her body like she was in a ball . Her face held a slight frown and , her arms which weren't covered by the blankets had goosebumps on them .

I didn't like seeing her scared , or upset , or cold . I cared about her so much , and I hated seeing her not happy like she usually was . I Scooted up against her back , and wrapped my arms around her . I held her hands that were laid out in front of her and interlocked our fingers . Her hands were cold and I was going to warm them up . I crossed my leg over her legs to the other side that was close to the edge as if saying "mine" .  I think she was awake even though her eyes were still closed as she made little noises , and strarted Scooching into me deeper getting comfortable. My head was behind her head but as she was getting comfortable she pulled her head a little back , against my neck and slightly nudged my chin as she wanted me to put my it on top of her head . So I did . And being taller than her definitely helped as I rested my chin on top of her head . The back of her head scooted back against my neck more deeply as she was getting comfortable and warm .

If you can picture it , I'd say we were practically glued together and fit together like a puzzle . She was laid back into me as much as she could be . We were really warm now , and we felt really secure. I think she wanted to feel that way , because she was scared , and now she felt safe . As we rested there I fell asleep again and so did she . 10 minutes.....30 minutes....50 minutes ......went by  and before I knew it , it was 11:00 and we had fallen asleep for 2 hours .

it felt funny , being the one to comfort her and not the other way around . I only had once when she was stabbed but , besides that it was usually her helping me deal with my horrid past . As we rested there , we were stuck together from the heat and it made me laugh a little . My chin was hot , and so were my cheeks which were red from the warmth. She was still asleep and just listening to her breathing softly was peaceful enough and made me glad I was here with her now . I stared off into space,  wondering why she was scared of the storm . And this morning she was frowning , and still shooken up? I realized I actually didn't know a lot about her family and her past . All I knew was that they definitely weren't around .

As I was thinking I was interrupted by her little noises and wiggling . She yawed and stretched still laying there . I let go of her allowing her to do so and sat up yawning . I was hunched over and ran my hand through my hair .Then looked back at her and smiled . Her eyes were open now and she was officially awake . She was looking up at me and smiled , as my hand which was on her chest started to twirl her hair . Her hand reached up and her fingers twirled my hair .  My fingers then played with her face , drawing imaginary lines tracing it .

I wanted to know why she was scared last night and this morning , so I asked . "Um.." I paused . "Yea ? What is it?" "I .. I'm not really sure how to ask you this .... um ..." she laughed "what?" With a smile still on her face Lookong into my eyes . I didn't want to ask now because she was happy but I wanted to know . And you know , mabye I shouldn't have asked and it would've been better if I just dropped it but I just couldn't .

"Umm.. why... why were you scared last night ...?  When the storm hit...?" A serious look swept across her face as she looked down and her hands which were now fiddling with eachother. "It's ok you can tell me," I chuckled "I promise I won't tell anyone else that you were scared" (because she was a tough , Southside serpent) . She was still looking down . A tear fell down her face . She quickly wiped it , sniffled the looked up "I don't want to talk about it" and I could tell that she didn't . I could tell she was trying to shove it down . "Let me help you , it'll be ok " I looked i to her eyes reassuring her . "Tell me ,  it's ok" she was quiet and just staring into my eyes and looking around . Sliding her lips to the side Like she wasn't sure like she didn't k ow if she should say anything . She kept looking down at her hands fiddling with each other ,  up and to the side . I could tell She didn't want to spit it out . Secause she knew if she talked about it she'd Start crying and become sad , and she didn't want to be sad .

She swallowed , then looked up , as her eyebrows slanted up from sadness . Her lips trembled , her head shook slightly side to side as if saying she didn't want to think about it .  Then her eyes closed and she pinched her nose I'm between her eyes . As tears flowed from her closed eyes ,  her chest would lift up as she cried . She took a deep breath as her lips were still trembling. She would try to talk, but her voice would tremble to much from crying "I " , "I .... I ..was ...so ...scared " she said while her voice was moving up and down trembling .She began to cry harder "It's ok , It's ok " I said softly . I rushed to hold her in my arms . She laid her head on my chest as her cheek squished . My right hand was holding her leg , and my other was rubbing her back . She would close her eyes and take long trembling breaths trying to relax herself and calm down. It wasn't until 5 minutes later that I asked quietly, "what happened?" I looked down at her face , my arms still wrapped around her .

Toni opened her eyes then gulped . Her voice was more steady  this time . "I was 7 years old ..... my mom dad and brother and I all were at home in our small house on the Southside ....." she swallowed once again "we were all together for the holidays. My dad had just got home from jail and finally wasn't on probation." she said staring off into the distance . "There was a huge storm . Reports of trees falling on people's houses were on the news . There was thunder lightning rain ...... it was nighttime and we were all asleep in our rooms . It was completely quiet , except for the storm and spooky ..I couldn't fall asleep" she paused,  ".... and I heard the window in the living room break . Then I heard footsteps and yelling , I heard footsteps go to my door . I was scared so , I hid under the bed and the door opened. A man with big black boots came in , then left slamming the door ." Toni's voice started trembling again as she started crying again "I heard more yelling than screaming . Then I heard 3 gunshots . And then loud footsteps out the door . Then it was silent except for the storm . ....... all night long I laid under my bed ...... crying ..... alone listening to the storm and the thunder and lightning ."

She paused again and I asked softly , "Then what?" , "in the morning I came out into the living room to see my family dead on the floor and the door still open . I called the police , and the cops came . They took me by the hand and walked me in my little pajamas out of the house to the cop car . It's like my life was going in slow motion , cops rushing in and out of the house , collecting evidence carrying my families bodies or in body bags . I remember.... as I walked out seeing the trees on the ground , the mud as it was still raining . And I drove in the back of the cop car to the police station where I was later sent to an orphanage where I lived until I was 14 . Then I got a job , got this trailer and joined the Southside serpents." I was shook . I was chilled . I felt awful. I felt terrible . I was so sad for her . And I didn't have anything to say but "......I'm , so sorry toni ...... " we rocked back and fourth and just stared off into the distance in shock .