Someone Like Me

Chapter 20

"Di," Mason waves a hand in front of my face, "are you even listening to me?"

It's the next day and we are having lunch together. I have been pushing my salad around my plate, not really hungry. Besides, the wilted lettuce and soggy tomatoes look really unappetising to me right now.

In truth, I haven't really been listening to him, he has been talking for the past half hour about drinks with Drew last night and how Drew had tried to get this girl's number and she had thrown a drink in his face. I had tuned out after that, considering my own evening after Chase had left.

Television and a big bowl of popcorn.

Mason hasn't even asked what I did yesterday, although I am partially grateful for that. I can just imagine what his face would look like if I told him I had been with Chase.

Although I love hanging out with Chase, I haven't been able to stop questioning it. The realisation that I have feelings for him nags at my conscience and turns what should have been an innocent outing, into something I should never have done. I need to stay away from him if I'm going to make this thing with Mason work.

But, it's hard. I feel more myself when I am with Chase than I do with Mason, more comfortable and relaxed. Maybe it's unfair of me to compare the two of them, but I can't seem to help it. With Chase the conversation is a back and forth between two people, with Mason, it's largely a monologue that I occasionally contribute to.

I am trying my hardest not to think about that too much. But the truth is; I feel like since I started dating Mason again, all I do is question my decisions and our relationship. I am constantly defending him to everyone, including myself.

Is it still worth it?

I am not as sure as I used to be.

Mason has a hold on my heart that I can't seem to break free of, even though sometimes I wish I could. No matter what happens, he will always be my first and a piece of me will always care about him. I just wish it could be easier.

"Sorry, yes Mason, I am." I lie, inwardly cringing as I do so. Isn't it bad enough that I'm already keeping secrets from him?

"So it's this Friday at Drew's place. I was thinking that I could pick you up after work and we could go straight there?" he grins, placing his knife and fork down on his plate.

Wait, what's happening on Friday?

"Sounds good," I mutter, still unsure as to what I am actually agreeing to, having zoned out for so long. But my guilt makes me eager to please him, and I promise myself that from now on, I will pay extra attention when he's talking.

"Great! Drew's place is nice. You'll like it." He seems so happy that I've agreed to go. A wide smile crosses his face and he reaches for my left hand across the table, lightly stroking my knuckles with his thumb.

"I bet," I answer woodenly. I haven't seen Drew since high school, and I wonder if he's changed at all. "Do I need to bring anything?"

"Just you. And also pack a costume and towel, Drew's pool is huge."

I finally return his smile but it feels strange on my face, almost forced. "I can't wait."

"Me too." I can tell, that unlike me, he means it.

I place my fork down on my plate, officially done with my meal, there's only so many times that I can stir the same piece of lettuce around. "Mason, how would you feel if I told you I had a male friend?"

He's clearly surprised by my rapid change of subject. His eyebrows raise and I swear for a moment I see his jaw clench. But when he speaks, he appears unruffled. "I guess that would depend on how close this guy was. But, as long as the boundaries are drawn, I don't have a problem with it. I have quite a few female friends."

The calmness of his response catches me off guard. I had fully expected him to be angry and judgemental, questioning who I was referring to. "So you wouldn't mind?"

"Not at all, Di" he tells me. "As long as no lines are crossed."

It makes me feel even more guilty, because those lines are so blurred they're almost non-existent.

"Anyway," he continues his previous topic as though I'd never asked. "I can't wait until all the guys see you at Drew's place on Friday. They're going to be so impressed."

"Impressed?"

"Yeah, at how different you look now," he beams.

Something about that doesn't sit right with me. But, burdened by my guilt, I decide to let it go for now.

♡

"So tell me, Amy, is there anything you want to talk about?"

I look at the girl sitting across the desk from me. She reminds me of myself when I was younger. The hoodie of her jacket is pulled up over her head as though she's trying to hide. She sits with her arms crossed, gazing at the window behind me. As an answer to my question, she just shrugs and continues staring outside.

"This is a safe space; we can talk about anything you want," I nudge. My words are met with silence, so I wait patiently until she feels like she can open up. I sit still and fold my hands in my lap. Patience, I have learned, is the key to getting someone to talk to you, even if it takes the whole hour allotted to us.

I know girls like Amy. Hell, I was a girl like Amy. Slightly overweight, always felt different from everyone and constantly getting picked on for the size of her jeans. I can relate to what she's going through right now.

The silence extends until our time is almost up. I am just beginning to think that she won't say anything at all, when she finally speaks up. "It's just so hard, you know? They tease me so much about my size. They call me things like whale and hippo and laugh at me all the time. I hate this school."

"Amy, you should never let anyone else make you feel like you are unworthy."

"That's easy for you to say. You're so pretty," she pauses, "and skinny."

It is my unwritten rule that I do not discuss my personal life with the students; it's unprofessional and far too personal. But, for some reason I feel the need to tell her just how much I understand what she is going through.

"They used to call me whale too," I say, "sometimes mammoth. They made up songs about me and teased me mercilessly. I hated it here as well."

"You?" she asks incredulously.

"Yes me, Amy," I nod. "We aren't as different as you may think."

"How did you go from that," she gestures towards herself, "to that?" she points at me.

I get out of my chair and walk around closer to her, leaning against my desk. "Life isn't always easy Amy, sometimes it's downright difficult. But no matter what, you can't let anyone else define you. There is no one else in the world that is like you."

"You didn't answer my question."

For a moment, I think about the boy I had loved in high school, the one who always wanted to change me. The one I never felt good enough for.

The one I still don't feel good enough for.

"This session isn't about me," I insist. I've already told her too much. "It's about you. No matter what happens, don't let anyone try and make you different. You are special, just the way you are. The first person that needs to learn to love you, is yourself. Once you can do that, I promise you will be so much happier."

She finally smiles at me just as the bell rings, signalling the end of our session. "Thank you Miss Hamilton." She picks up her backpack and leaves the office, closing the door softly behind her.

Now if only I could take my own advice.