Wanting Them - Wanting You/Us Sequel

14 - Depression

February 24th 2014
It was a week later and I still hadn't told Chris about my depression. He was performing every night and I couldn't tell him during the day as we had kids to watched. When he was home in the day I didn't cut, but I did scratch. But if he was at a rehearsal then I cut, and badly. Each time I cried and cried until the pain went away.

The shock came when the front door shut and I was in the bathroom dripping blood. "Mandy, I'm Home dear."

"In the bathroom love." I cried.

"Mandy? Is everything okay?" I heard his footsteps come up the stairs. I didn't respond to him, in terror. "MANDY? You're worrying me babe?" I just sobbed into my hands as blood flowed heavily. I loved him. More than anything. He was my everything. He was my rock. But I hadn't told him. The door opened and I screamed.

"GO AWAY!" I curled to one side hoping to hide everything.

"Mandy, you're crying, upset, in pain, I'm not leaving you."

"I don't want you to know." I cried.

"Know what?" Chris asked as he crouched by my side. His arm went around my waist and his hand went to the floor, straight into a pile of my blood. "Mandy?" He questioned pulling his hand back and seeing the blood on his hand. "You haven't. Oh baby, you should have called." I cried and looked away from him still. "Mandy, you need to watch me. And focus on this. This isn't healthy."

"That's what Andréa said, but I can't help it if I've got depression."

"Oh sweetie. I'm going to clean you up, and get you new clothes, you're covered in blood. This is so bad, you should have told me."

"I know, but I couldn't. I tried after opening night. But I couldn't do it. I wanted to tell you alone, and you were out all evening, every evening. I've never had the time alone to tell you."

"Shhh, save you're energy babe. You're really weak right now. Like, really weak." I just cried still and leant against him.

"I'm sorry."

"Shhhh. Just, don't say anything. We can talk about this tonight."

"You have a show!"

"I'm not doing a show when you're in this state, no way!"

"Chrissss." I complained.

"I always said you and our children, my family, come first, more than anything. And that's not changing now or ever Mandy."

"Go away!" I said in a deep, low voice again.

"Mandy, I'm trying to help you. I could leave you and let you die in this room, but I don't want you to die Mandy. I don't want to lose the love of my life, I can't lose you, especially not to this. I don't know if you know how much I love you, but I love you more than anything Mandy Jackson-Gonzalez. I would give up everything for you. I can't bare to see you pass away in my arms."

"I asked you to go away Christopher."

"So you're asking me to leave and let you die right here." He said standing up.

"I hate all this Chris! I hate it." He walked to the cabinets and pulled out antiseptic wipes, bandages and everything he needed. He cleaned me up as I cried.

"I'll see you later honey. Think about what's been said. Even if you don't care or think about me, think about Benny, Ryeli, Dougy. But please, more than anyone, think about Kayla. She's your first born child, your baby girl, your everything. She loves you more than anything, more than me, more than her siblings, more than Mr Fluffy. You are everything to that little girl, and she wouldn't be the bright and bubbly person she is, if you weren't there for her. Her world and our family would be broken without you Mandy. Think about it, and when you're ready, come and talk to be about why this is happening to you, I'll be waiting."

"I love you." I whispered as he walked out the room. I cried as I thought about what he'd said. I didn't want to die, I wanted to live my life. I wanted to grow old with Chris, I wanted to see my children grow up. See them go through high school and college and start a family of their own. I wanted to see my children fall in love and find friendships forever. I eventually got up and splashed cold water over my face to cool me down. I reapplied my basic makeup to hide the redness of my tear stained cheeks. I threw on my favourite sweatshirt of Chris's and headed out the bedroom and changed out of my bloody clothes before heading down the stairs into the living room. I saw all four of my children playing with Chris together. Ryeli was standing against the table and she was the first to see me.

"Mama?" She babbled. I went to a meter away from her and crouched down onto my knees and held my arms out to her. She nervously stepped away from the protection of her table and tootled towards me.

"Come on Ryeli, you can do it." Chris had his phone out and was filming us and my one year old made her way into my arms. After cheering from the sidelines, Ryeli walked from the table to my arms. I picked her up and spun her around. "Rye, you walked. I'm so proud of you princess." I held her on my hip and kissed her temple. I then knelt back onto the floor and held Ryeli so her feet were on the ground. "Walk to Daddy." One slow step at a time she made her way to her father as I smiled widely. She fell down part way through, but pushed herself up and kept going. She then fell forward onto Chris and he hugged and gave her praises.