Love To Hate Me

There is an option

I look at him stumble over all the things i want to say to him in my head. He glares at me blankly with no emotion to be found. I breathe in and say," I owe you a lot of explanations. You were right about some of the things you said to me." He nods then waits for me to continue on the things I needed to get off my chest. I say," I feel like I pulled you in to this world wind of emotions that I am not so sure of myself. I want to apologize for that." He says," noted," in a monotone voice.  He sits on the bed next to me studying my face as if to scan for lies or the truth. He was clearly done with all the bullshit. I say," I just wanted to tell you that I do love you and everything I had with you was completely real. I let my own insecurity and stupid decisions impact how I treated you and it was all bullshit." He arms seems to tense up as I talk about. He says," I can't go here with you. I gave you a chance to choose me. I don't think you realize how much unfinished bullshit there is between you and Radke."  I try to find his eyes as if I was trying to reach him on a more emotionally level. I really hurt him which cause this burning sensation in my throat. I say," I am sorry, Craig. I promise it was never my intention to hurt you like this. I would never do this to you again." Craig sits up and says," Are we done?" I look at the floor and say," Yeah." I notice his face ease up and his fists unclench. He looks at me one last time and says," Get your shit figured about before you jump into something new. People have feelings and children." I nod as I see him go down the hall I brought him down and find the exit of the Of Mice and Men bus. I feel my face burn as I left a few tears drop to the floor.  I wipe my burning face and go back outside to join in on the party. I had made my own bed and didn't want to talk about it anymore. I grab a bottle of Vodka filling up my red solo cup with it. I just wanted to forget what I did. I wanted to numb what I caused. It was blatantly clear that Craig wanted nothing to do with me. Who could blame him? I gave him enough heart ache and pain to deal with.  Austin looks at me downing the cup of harsh Vodka. The party was dying down, people were departing. I didn't see Craig the entire time I was outside. Austin comes up with me grabbing the cup from my hands. Austin says," You can't drown those feelings you know?" I slur," I can try. What I did to him was so fucked." Austin says," People make mistakes. Its life are you going to get all worked up every time you make one. come lets go inside. Everyone else has already went home." I sit on my bed and say," Thank you Austin." Austin says," For what?" I say," For being here for me and not judging me even though I am basically causing all this drama this tour." Austin chuckles and says," Don't let anyone fool you. These band member cause plenty of drama on there own. Just try to unplug. This is our last week of tour." We laugh and talk for a couple more hours before calling it a night. The rest of the next day I just tried to keep myself busy selling merchandise for Of Mice and Men. I knew I definitely had to face the rest of the mess i made.  My head was still pounding from last night. I see Andy and wave him over. His face tense a bit but he ends up coming over by me anyways. I say," I just want apologize for all the stress i caused and the things i said about Juliet."  His blue eyes instantly light up and he says," I apologize to i just want my best friend back." I smile and hug him. We talk for a min before he has to get ready to go on stage. I make amends with all the people I wrong today  which made me pretty happy. Ronnie and I had came to a resolution realizing that neither of us are in a good place to make anyone else happy or to even try to see if any feelings remain. We decide to just be friends because of how close we used to be. Ronnie smiles and says," I am glad we got all this sorted. What happened with Mabbitt?" I watch as Craig walks up to the stage with the girl from new years day. Ronnie notices and looks. He rubs my back and says," It doesn't necessarily mean that.  Time flies by with me trying to stay clear of social media. I have seen Craig and Ashley together quite a bit. Today is the day, the official last day of this long tour. To be honest, I am so glad. I haven't quite figured out what I was going to do yet. Andy , Austin and Ronnie have been trying to keep me busy for this last week. The last night was pretty amazing. The sky was crystal clear and the wind was perfect. Next thing I know, we are back in LA and I have talked to Craig or been on social media for a week and a half. Today, I moved in with Andy and Juliet and have a interview for a bar a little while away from the house. I open Instagram to see Craig is still not seeing anyone but his posts are a lot happier. I notice the location on it says hes still in California. I can't help but to wonder what he is up to. I text Ronnie," What are up to today?" Ronnie texts," I do have a date tonight but that's it." I smile and text," Ronnie and a girl sitting in a tree."  He texts back," How are you feeling today?" I text," Nervous job interview at 12."  I finish trying to get ready at 11. I walk through the empty house grabbing my keys. I drive the twenty mins to the bar coming embarrassing early to the interview.