instagagaram

god no

Joanne's POV
I wake up to a bright light and I realize that I'm in a hospital. And that's when all the memories come back. I look down at my arms. There's bandage around them, and my mom and dads hands in mine. This was exactly what I didn't want. Now they know, they've obviously seen the bruises. Now I'm gonna have to have "the talk" with them. Everything will just get worse, and I didn't even think it could get worse. I can feel my mom turn in her chair, I look over at her and I see that her eyes are slowly opening. She sees that I'm awake and quickly sit up.
"you're awake" she says in a calm, tired, relieved and worried voice.
"yeah"I say, so low that it's almost as a whisper.
"I'll have to go tell a doctor I'll be back" she says looking at me, I nod and she leaves. Right after she left my room I hear my dads tired voice.
"I love you" he whisper, looking at me closely. His look always brings me to tears, but I just don't want to cry right now. I'm gonna save all of these sobs until we get home. Whenever that will be. My mom and the doctor enters the room and tell me stuff I should probably me listening to but I just can't. I can only think about how much pain I've caused the people I love the absolute most, my parents.
"Joanne? Honey are you listening?" My mom's voice bring me back to reality.
"No sorry"
"Your doctor said that you'll have to talk to a therapist before you can go home. If they'll let you home, you may have to be hospitalized. But that completely depends on your physical health" I try to take in her words. I really just want to go home, and I'm not suicidal. I just couldn't take this pain inside of me, but if I let it out maybe everything will be easier.
"Okay, when is the session?"
"In a couple of minutes. You'll decide if your parents or one of them is going to be in there with you or if you wanna have it alone." My doctor tells me and walks away.
"Mom, Dad. I think I wanna have it alone." I say looking at them, they both nod and give me a smile of reassurance.
- Time skip -
So the therapy session went well. I'm gonna have to see her more times but for now I can go home. I'm gonna have to take antidepressants but that's fine. As long as I'm home. On the way home I'm sitting in between my parents. No one is speaking, but they're both holding my hands. I know I scared them and caused them a lot of pain. I know I always say that they'd be better off without me. But I know they love me, and that's why this is so much harder. When they found out about my cutting, that was horrible. But now. God I'm a horrible person.
"stop" my mom suddenly says. I turn and look straight in her eyes.
"Stop Joanne. I can tell your thinking about me and your dad. Please don't worry about us. It's us who's worried about you. Not the opposite." She says and I give her a side hug. How in the hell does she know these stuff. I don't know but I love her. So fucking much it hurts. When we're home my dad goes to his working room while me and my mom is walking to my bedroom. I know what's gonna happen. I'll have to talk to my mom. But honestly I think I want too. If I could talk with a "random" woman, how could I not talk to my mom.
"Honey I really don't want to pressure you. But I need to know what happened, and what's going on in that beautiful mind of yours." She says sitting next to me on my bed. I'm about to start talking and telling her. But only thinking about it brings me to tears I immediately start sobbing and my mom quickly drags me into her lap.She rubs my back and rock me slowly back and forth.
"Shhh baby it's okay, breath, breath" she says soothingly. After a while I'm starting to calm down and I rest my head on her chest.
"M-mom, I'm so-r-rry" I say with a very unsteady voice.
"You have nothing to apologize for baby" She says stroking my hair. I take a deep shaky breath and get ready to tell her.