Providence

Chapter 101: Sandra

"Ryan, sweetie, please talk to me--" I weep. "Ryan."

He's not responding and the ventilator is going berserk. "Ryan," I scream. I grab hold of him and shake him. "Please wake up." 

As a group of doctors flood into the room, the noise from the ventilator dies down to a drawn out long beeping noise. "What's happening?" I scream. "Mrs Phillips, we need you to leave for a few moments." 

One of them begin to escort me out of the room. "No," I object. "What's happening to my son?" He closes the door on me and hurries over to aid the other doctors. 

I fall into a seat in the corridor outside the door. They've drawn a blind down over the window in the room. I can't even see what they're doing. I need Ryan to wake up. He's my baby. He's my son. My only child. I can't lose him yet. I'm not ready to come to terms with that as the reality. I hope they can resuscitate him, but the feeling of dread churning in my stomach means my instincts are telling me that's not going to happen. I know I'm in the centre of the hospital, but I can't contain myself. My tears are choking me. I look to the room. No doctor has come out of there yet. Glancing at my watch, I realise I've been here ten minutes. What's going on in there? 

One of the doctors emerges and I approach him. "What's going on? Is he ok--"

"Mrs Phillips," he interjects. "I'm sorry to tell you this,  but--"

"No," I interrupt, my lip trembling. "No, it can't be. He was stable a few minutes ago. He--" 

"Sandra. Is everything okay?" 

I turn around to see Liam and Niamh standing before me. 

"No," I wail. "Ryan's gone." 

I feel like I'm going to sink to my knees and never get back up again. Niamh places her arms around me. "I'm so sorry," she swallows. 

As I continue to weep over her shoulder, I can feel her crying too. I break away from her. "Will you please call Evelyn while I go back into the room?" I choke. "I need a few minutes alone with him." She nods painfully at me.

As I enter the room, I catch glimpse of Liam and Niamh crying into each other's shoulders. 

Taking a seat beside him as the doctors shuffle out of the room, I place my hand over his. There's still a touch of warmth to his skin. People turn in cold in death. This means he's not gone. No, I know he is. But I don't want to accept that he is. I place my head on his shoulder. 

"Hey sweetie," I choke. "I guess now is the time to say goodbye."

"But I don't want to say goodbye. Because you're not gone, not really," I tremble, running my finger over his cheek. "You'll always be here, because you'll always have a place in my heart."

I lift his hand and hold to my beating heart. "You'll always be alive there, right there, see?" 

I cup my hand around his. "And I know there's going to be a time when I'll be gone too," I tell him. "But you'll always live in Denise. Even as she grows up, she'll always have a piece of you in her." 

The door creaks slightly and Niamh is standing at the door frame. "Come in," I say, wiping my tears dry. She enters and Liam follows. "Did you call her?" 

Niamh responds with a pained nod. "Yes, she's on her way," she tells me. "Is there anything I can do?" 

I shake my head. "No," I say. "I'll give you two a few minutes with him." I bend over Ryan and bring my lips to his forehead, giving him one last kiss on his pale skinned face. "I love you. Goodbye." And I head for the door, leaving my deceased son in the presence of his two best friends.