Lost and Confused

Deep Thought

The title of the book and what this chapter details is really ironic, this is more than a minor set back, i am broken now...

The photo taken for this chapter is exactly where I am when I wrote this. It is 8:52 pm. Clouds cover the sky tonight, the moon shines bright through the clouds, the river water calmly comes a shore, a thunderstorm brewing in the distance over the city. Small drizzle but not much rain, but I know the clouds want to cry, they did so a few hours a go, they've held them back for a bit longer. I've held mine back for too long.

You said my tears were precious, that it's not worth crying over, it's not just what I said though, it's everything else on top of it. It's only been a day since I confessed my feelings to the one I've had the goal to meet again after 2 years of not seeing her, and as always I somehow manage to forget to say the important things that would really seal the deal. Had I did would things still be the same? Would they be better? Why isn't my life better right now? Why do I feel like all my effort is wasted?...the clouds are furious, what did I do wrong now?

People always find something about me that they don't like. You told me what you liked about me, and how good looking I was, and how intelligent I am. At the end of today though, I just don't believe it is true.....I'm furious with myself because I waiting too long to confess to you. My actions in the weeks prior should have echoed the amount of commitment I am always willing to do for you or anyone else. Also, before I forget, I'd love isn't determined by age or race, then why should religion judge it?

I've lost everything that I've wanted now....I've lost it all. I've lost the friends I've enjoyed hanging around with, I've lost the women I had my eye on for 2 years, waiting in anticipating happiness to return to my life, only to have it shaken up more. My family is not doing so good, I myself am not doing good, and....I just.....I need support, I need help...

8 months of trying to find happiness, I'd patiently waiting for it to come and still nothing permanent. So far, this school year will be as shitty as the last one. If something doesn't change, I don't know what will happen to me. I don't ask for much, in fact I don't ask for anything. And then when I do need something, I get nothing... but why? It is fucked up...

What I miss most of all, is having a best friend and a soul mate... someone who is with you through everything, the encouragement and the little extra motivation all in one person. My body is tired of trying so hard to find happiness. Our efforts fail too often, and we don't get much out of it...isolation is the last thing I need, but it's our last resort to relieve this endless pain.

The moon light is overtaken by clouds, the wind starts to howl in the distance, and the lightning is getting closer...I can hear the thunder....

I need you to help me please...
...
Please help me...