Lost and Confused

The Last Breath...

We can't take the pain anymore. We have tried everything. We have done nothing wrong, yet for some reason, we can't be happy. We are not worth being shown appreciation for our actions. So what now?

Well, we don't like to be the first ones to say it but we can't support the body anymore. We have injuries in the right knee cap and ankle, with no signs of improvement.

Our defenders are broken. Anything and everything can get through to us. We didn't even have the opportunity to have ourselves heard and just like that we were ambushed, brain what happened? Better question, why are we on the floor?

We lost all control... there's no easier way to say it. Let's face it, we are finished... We regained control momentarily but we have no way to protect ourselves. As long as this body keeps breathing, I'm afraid we are only going to keep getting hurt. What's the damage from this meltdown?

Besides the right leg injuries, everything else is ok.

Small damage done to the right hand but otherwise good up here.

Intake has decreased significantly, we lost sooo much capacity in that meltdown that we are not going to last long.

We are severely damaged, we have conclude that because we can't protect ourselves, we have decided to consider a shutdown...

Well we suffered minor injuries to our mainframes, but a shutdown, you need to go through us before you decide that. We control that.

No, no you don't. When enough damage is done, we have no choice but to terminate ourselves, which will cause everyone else to die with us. We don't always have the ability to decide. When the time comes,
We are all done...

When will this time come?

We don't know.

..... great..... well, I don't know what else we can do. I do not agree at all with how we are being treated. We have worked so hard to recover and to find ways to strive. You know what, I got a nutty plan.

Let's here it.

Repair and standby.

Umm... please explain.

It should be self explanatory, we gotta keep going but we are going to help out much anymore, we aren't going to go out of our way for people anymore, we aren't going to help many people anymore. We are simply going to be with ourselves. We can't deal with much more. We should do our best to recover from this malfunction. Repair what we can and standby after wards.

Ok let's do it.

Oh and heart...

Yes?

We will have system shutdown on standby from here on out...

Will do...
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Yes, 2 nights ago was terrible. Without a doubt one of the worst nights I've had this year. A few nights ago, I came to realization of how little I was appreciated. All my efforts gone to waste. You know, it's extremely irritating and frustrating how a friend (different that the one talked about in this book) can just mention everything one of her friends did, right after you've done things for them for the past month. She mentioned how this other guy did so much that "no else can do".  He came with me to this place, did this and that for me, he was there for me. Really?! Why the fuck would you say all that while I'm standing right there. Last time I checked you didn't like him, so now you do? Also, you say you are going to wait before jumping into another relationship (which I knew), but are you sure about that now, because it seems you are in one now by what you said.

You see, you said a lot more than what you said. You did not realize how damaging your words truly were. When you said that no one can do or will do the things he's done, that was heartbreaking. I'm right fucken there, you clearly showed no appreciation in my efforts and everything I did. And again, afterwards, on my floor, balling my eyes out, crying for help, you asked what happened? You then shortly after never looked at what I sent.

You don't care, I get it now. You can say what you want, how it wasn't true, and I didn't mean it like that, but you did. You knew what you said, I can't compare to what he does. You are so wrong, and for that you won't know what I'm capable of. You don't deserve it, you never will.

So, 2 days later, what's changed. Well, I gave up. I gave up expecting things, I gave up helping those who don't appreciate me and what I do.

I've decided to isolate myself.

And I'm ok with it, for now at least. I'm not searching for anyone to be in my life. I just don't care anymore. I'm tired, I'm just relaxing and recovering for a longgggggg while. And if something comes up, well, I guess you had your chance early on. Don't think for a moment this is selfishness, because it is what you and your sister have been telling me to do. Funny how it backfires on you right.