Lost and Confused

Back Where You Left Me

You....the one I thought I got over, is back. While my defences were down, you infected me once again. But why? I thought I got rid of you, why am I still hurting? Have I truly moved on? I haven't...

The wound tore open again, I guess it was only a temporary patch. As the year whines down, the memories come back... this is when we first talk was around Christmas. I felt lonely and I wanted someone new to talk to, and that's when I turned to you. Casual conversations made me happy again. I found happiness with you. 4 years later, here I am... in a similar situation. I'm lonely and badly hurt... so much so not even family can help me. I've found my long lost, now best friend, and in all honesty, she's trying heal my wounds that you made... but it's not working. I have tried to find someone to help heal me and so I can feel myself again... but there's no one who can do it. Your love was toxic... but it was the best thing I've ever had. What happened... you've told me lots, but what happened... why didn't you come with me? Why didn't we marry? Why after 10 months do I still miss you? WHY?

I fucking hate this. You have ruined my life... I don't know what to do anymore. I need guidance now because of your pain. I turned to the Quran, and yet I have questions that it can't answer. What has kept the bandaid on for months were 2 things, my best friend and the Quran.
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I am not ok... you need to fix what you did. You need to answer for your crime. You need to fix me. My body, my heart, my mind all want to give up...will that make you happy? Me dead on a floor with a knife through my heart? You still don't realize what your words did to me... you left me to get married off to another man... and yet a week ago I saw you in a club with a short dress on. That's your life now... you say ya breaking up was the best thing you did...even after all the things we did. All the times I flew to see you because you wanted to see me. The look in you eyes when you laid eyes on me after months. And your living happy... fuck you... all the time and effort and now comes the time of year to be nice and thankful...fuck....you.

I've been debating on whether I need closure or not. Ever since you found you way into my heart again....I have a lot more to say to you... you thought we were going to be friends... how the fuck did you think that would be possible? For me to say, 'yeah no worries, go fuck with some other guy, be happy without me, even though we spent 3 years together and you nagging me to marry you.' Like really? You wanted to marry me... and now you drop everything. Do you know what you want? Are you blind of what you gave up? You gave up the man that was with you through the roughest moment of high school. I was the man who cherished you heart, doing everything not to break it, and yet you stabbed mine for no good reason. I was told so many horrible things and I was there witnessing horror and stood miles away scared and helpless knowing I couldn't protect you. You gave me your love.... you gave me all of you...and you took it all away as if it was nothing....

Why do I bring us back up? Because this is what I have to remember. This is pain I suffer day and night. This is the pain you brought and left it all on me... you don't care for me. You gave me a ring that says my heart belongs to you... I remember the plexy glass art you gave me for 3 weeks together, a bear and 100 reasons why you loved me..... if you haven't realized already...I burned them. I watched memories go up in flames and ashes with my best friend by my side. The ring melted in the fire, the bear was in ashes, the scrolls fueled the fire, and the plexy glass burned away. What was left was relief...until now.

I hate you for hurting me... but no one else can heal me... a day will come soon, where we will talk... I will not hold anything back. You fucked my over... now you need to seek my forgiveness.

I don't forgive you for what you have done. As much as your sorry, knowing you left me bleeding on the ground helpless while you smile on with life...
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It's just empty words for an empty body...