Lost and Confused

That Night

The hugs, the conversations, the "dates" we had. The reason I quote the word date, is because every time we hung out at night, it felt like a date, but I'm positive only one of us thinks this way...

The photo for this chapter, you remember that night. A very special night for both of us. That night I took care of myself by getting rid of the old memories I've held for too long. During that night, we stared into the during flames. I was happy, relieved I was moving on, but I saw yours... inside yours I saw pain... the same eyes I've seen almost every night we hang out at the river. You opened up to me, and as you opened up, I felt something. I felt you cry for help, I heard it cry out louder than ever before. Sitting beside you on the sand beside the fire, what I really wanted to do, was hold you so tight, and tell you it was going to be ok...but for some reason it just didn't feel right to do so...

I don't know why...I doubted myself. I just didn't seem like the right thing to do but I knew you needed it...so why did I hold back? I care for you, I like you, I could spend days just talking and hanging out with you. I think I got my answer the following day.....

That night I also said I had a surprise for you the next day. During this same night I also mentioned you were playing a dangerous game with your crush....your crush....that's the answer. You don't know what you want... yet you confessed you caught feelings for him, and the most heartbreaking thing, was seeing him kiss you on the cheek... that's the answer. I can't give you anymore than I'm giving you right now. I'm capable of doing more and I want to, but it's not good for me to do so. I told you I had to start taking care of myself, something I haven't done this year. This hurts me to say this, but I can't do much more with you, because I feel....I'm not the man that should be doing some of these things for you, your man...the one you like should be doing this but he can't.... that's a different answer....

I'm scared because I think that you are going for looks rather than capability. Being blinded by something your not getting compared to something you are isn't just setting yourself up for failure, but in the end, you end up using and hurting the one putting in the effort for the things you like. Especially, why you don't expect it and they know....I know when you want things and I know when to deliver when you think about it.

The next day after our special night, you came over and saw the gift I made for you. The joy on your face says it all. I spent a few hours learning to sew a basket onto a teddy bear. I spent 6-10 hours and procrastinated school work writing what we concluded was a long love letter, wrapped up into 5 scrolls. 3 chocolate bars, a scented candle with coincidentally is your favourite flower, jasmine. A pair of gloves for the cold winter ahead, a 5 mini scrolls with some of my favourite quotes from the Qur'an, and instagram. All these items were placed inside this basket. You save the scrolls for home, and I really want to hear your response. I left my heart in that letter.

After we finished our movie, you confessed something I haven't told you how I felt, and I already mentioned it. You said your developing feelings for your crush. You also mentioned that I am your best friend.... as happy as I was that day, this set me back a little... I've always wanted to marry my best friend, in fact I lost 2 in my life and one I was about to marry before she ended it with me. I don't know how I'm suppose to feel about this...being your best friend. It's something I want do get me wrong, but I guess I was not expecting it to be in a....friend zone ish way.... In many wedding vows, couples mention how they are marrying there best friend, I am a strong believer in that. A best friend is someone you can tell anything too, who will help you through your good and bad times, someone you can rely on, someone who cares about you, and someone who wants to be with you, anywhere...everywhere...in some cases.....even forever.

I don't know if I can do this anymore, I don't know what I'm missing but there's something you need....that I can't give you... maybe one more date... hours together, talking, having fun. One more try to make you understand I am what you need and you are what I need.

I want you...badly...

Ps. Before we burnt the old memories, there were 100 scrolls in that box we burnt. Remember the one you pulled out...it said, "I love how you are always there for me"...you paused and stared at that scroll for a moment....just remember that....