Lost and Confused

Fake Feelings

What am I doing? What am I getting out of this? Nothing anymore...

Earlier this month, I had high hopes to be with you, but then as the month moved on, that hope diminished. There were lots of times where I felt it was still possible but I doubt it now. As I'm writing this I'm at the lake you took me to earlier last week. You saw it today in the way I stared blackly into the window, I was not ok and I'm not. It's the same thing I've explained plus more. It's trying hard, committing to my actions and getting nothing in return. You said I'm so sweet to help you out and that I'm always there for you, that I am the best.....the best??? I can't believe I fell for that...the best? Clearly I'm not, your not with me, I'm not the best...

You mentioned how I should wait till the right women comes a long and steals my heart.... no, no one steals my heart... because when you steal someone's heart, bad things happen. You mentioned trusting myself, how can I if someone stole my heart? My trust is placed with another person... I can't be stolen, I need to be confident I am giving my heart to the right person.

You know... You talk about liking me for who I am, in the things I do for you, and in the fun and relaxing things we do together when we hang out. I enjoy talking and hanging out, but I keep getting false feelings of hope that something could be there. I know this is false because even though the night ends with a hug, the thought of that night I confessed to you and things I know about him, still linger in my mind and I know you still like him. But here's the thing, you don't know what you two are....what are you? Do you even know what you want? Out of everything you said to me, I know what you want and I give you what you want, but are you just using me? I keep the hope that I can still be with you, and to prove to you that I am the better man, but clearly I'm not. You mentioned you didnt want him to pick you up Saturday. You don't see my efforts...you really don't. It's a waste. You have too much going on in your social life, I feel you dont pay attention to the little things.

You mentioned to me to know my worth. I know what I'm worth, I know what I'm capable of, and you have been exposed to it.

The issue here is I'm trying to bring some positivity to my life. I've been told I'm not ready, and I shouldnt rush to find someone...those people can go fuck themselves. I'm not going to rush first if all and second, I can't get everything I want in life without a woman in my life. You can't do everything by yourself, sometimes you need help, and sometimes there's certain things that you can't do that someone else can.

Do you get what I'm saying? I wasn't going to tell you this but I spent hours working on something for you. Fuelled by false feelings, I finished something for you, but should you get it anymore?? The hours I spent writing the letter included in it?? And for what, a thank you, a hug and then that's it? That's why I'm stalling giving it to you, I'm not going to get anything out of it. This was my last effort to try and get you but do I even want you anymore?

I don't know, I'm not sure. Cause there's a good chance, it's just another false relationship...

Remember, when I said, if I lose you, my life will be the same. I truest have nothing to lose, but you...you have quite a bit to lose if I'm gone...

Just remember...I know my worth...