Lost and Confused

Nothing to lose

This book isn't exactly what I wanted it to be, but it is a new beginning in life with new struggles so I guess it works.
I made it to my safe spot to write this part, you cancelled our plans today so I came out here. Apologies in advance if this seems chopped up.

See here's where I'm at with finding love, and if you haven't figured that out from the last few parts, now you know. Yes I found another women I liked, I actually found her 2 years ago, lost touch until earlier in the spring. I remember that day so well. I remember I was getting ready to bath. I remember being stressed after dealing with ex and then I got a notification that our international student association wanted me to follow them. So I follow them and snooped through some of there photos, and then I saw you. My eyes lit up in shock, I didn't believe it, I checked a few other photos they had to make sure. I think I found you, but I had to make sure. I message your friend to confirm and it was 100% you. My heart was beating so hard, my eyes started to tear, there was so much anticipation up to this moment.

I told you this already. I told you how happy your presence made me, the smile on your face lights up the whole room. Everything you said about me made me feel wanted. You understood me, what I went through and what I want, and I understood what you went through and what you need. We clicked the first few weeks, and then it kinda crashed... this past Sunday... Monday was terrible, I broke down in tears. All hope now seemed false....it was fake, but yet, for some weird reason, I still persist, why?

Why do I persist? I know you mentioned you had your own crush, I don't believe it. I don't mean to be mean but...I literally don't have anything to lose if I go all out. The sad part is, is if I push you away, my life will be the same before I found you again. But I don't want that part of life to happen again. I'm done with missed opportunities, I'm done not being heard, I'm done working my ass off with nothing to show for it, and I'm done being pushover. You know humans pray for peace and for good to happen to them, but few understand you must also continue to work for what you want, to get it.

All I want is to be happy. All I want is for one less thing to be on my mind constantly. I want someone that makes me happy when I see them. I want to be able to help something through all their problems, support them through their tough times, and conquer them together. I want us to do better, to do good in our lives for ourselves and each other. I want a women who is as committed to being with me as I am with her. I want her to be mine, forever. Forever my best friend...I want a Muslim women, I want you...I know what your going through, I know how to take it slow and how to help you. We would get serious when your ready, and when the timing is right.

What I miss most of all, is a best friend, I lost both of mine, I don't have any...I need you, more than he needs you. I know I can do more than him, I will make sure of it...but here's the setback. It doesn't seem worth it right now...

We talked and you seemed confident about choosing him, but unsure at the same time. Just please tell me what you really want. You seem to be delaying, but maybe you already met him and said you were going to date. You shouldn't have to worry about dating someone, it should feel natural. If you feel like you can talk about anything to them, even about nonsense, that's who you should be with. The last thing you want to do and we both know this because we've experienced it, is to regret and doubt your relationship. You get so deep into it, and realize it is not what you wanted...I don't want this to happen to you. In the last few weeks of getting to know you, I care so much for you.

This might be the ONLY chance I ever get to fight for you...after this weekend, that could be it.

No more chances...
No happiness...
No women to care for...
Nothing...

All I'll have is my own personal problems to deal with alone...

Just give me a chance...please...it will be the best one you ever made....