Path To Retaliation (Fighter's Den, #2)

Chapter 12 - Cameron

*Trigger warning: this chapter contains minor reference to sexual abuse. Please read with caution or skip over select scenes entirely.*

My leg bounces nervously as I watch Avery grab a glass of water for me. After everything she told me, we both needed a breather so we've been sitting in silence for a few minutes now. There's an immediate difference in her. Her steps are lighter, shoulders not tense, face genuinely relaxed. She feels better having confided in me. Hopeful.

And I'm about to snatch that away because I have to leave her.

I feel sick to my fucking stomach. I came to her apartment this morning so anxious to be able to fix things between us. I was ready to risk everything just to be with her, knowing I was putting us in danger, but not caring because I had to be with her. I figured once I explained everything to her she'd understand. And she probably still would because that's the kind of person she is. But knowing what I know now, how she was abused, I can't ever put her in a position where she'll get hurt. It's not likely she will but I can't even fathom risking it anymore. I told myself I'd protect her and I meant it. The only difference now is, there's one more person she needs to be protected from and it's me.

I almost laugh at the irony of it. All I wanted was to be her hero, to be hers, but I'm no better than the villain in her story.

I guess that's yet another thing I can blame on my rapist.

When Avery sets the glass in my hands with an assuring smile, I want to cry. Cry for what she's been through, cry for what I've been through, and cry for what we will never be because of our demons. Some demons just can't be overcome no matter what you do. And I should be used to the disappointment in my life. I've lost a lot of things because of who I am but this time it hurts worse than ever because this time I'm losing Avery.

That's like saying I'm losing my world.

"Drink up. You're next and I gotta say, coughing up your dirty little secrets really drains you." Avery teases, sitting next to me with a smile.

When I don't even blink that smile immediately drops.

"Sorry." She flushes. "I guess it's not a good idea to make jokes right now."

I feel bad that she's embarrassed but I don't have it in me to correct her. I don't have it in me to tell her this isn't about my past as much as it is about my present. Which is walking away from her.

I drink the water in huge gulps, wishing it was alcohol.

She eyes me curiously, probably noting how edgy I'm acting. "It's okay to be nervous. Take your time."

My heart cracks some more. Fuck this.

"I can't." I whisper.

"Yes, you can." She settles a hand on top of mine, looking at me with sympathy. "I know it's nerve-wracking but once you get it out there you-"

"I can't." I repeat more firmly. "I can't do this. Us."

She pulls her hand back like I burned her. And I probably did.

"Excuse me?" She blinks.

I force myself to shrug indifferently even though I'm absolutely falling apart on the inside. "You've been through a lot, Aves. I've been through hell, too. Put that together and the result won't be anything but disaster. I'm saving us both the trouble."

She stares at me, gaping. "You're not serious?"

"I'm sorry." I say and my sincerity is evident. "I wish it were different but this is too much. Please trust me on this decision."