Knowing You're There

Chapter 22

For the first time in years, I ate my lunch in the bathroom.  How could I sit at the table with Nathan and Sarah after what happened?  Instead, I got to the cafeteria early and ate a chocolate bar out of the vending machine while sitting on the toilet of the special-needs stall. 

I put Star’s bowl down next to me and fed her the first slice of bread.  Over the weekend I noticed her appetite fading even more.  She only wanted bread, nothing else.  Even with that, she only wanted one slice, excluding the crust. 

I heard the door open and close multiple times as groups of freshmen girls came to fix their makeup and re-straighten their hair for the last two hours of the day. 

“Did you guys hear about that fight between Nathan and the blind girl?” one of them said. 

“No, that’s not what happened,” another one said.  “I heard that the dog bit Nathan, and then he punched her boyfriend for it.” 

I rolled my eyes and pulled out my earbuds, then whispered, “Play metal playlist,” into my phone.  Star had a checkup with her regular doctor at the end of the day, so my mind was too busy swirling with all the terrible scenarios that were possible. 

When I got to LRA, Kurt walked in and was banished to the other side of the table, since Aida found out that he recently failed his physics test.  I started working on the first page of my trig packet, one of the three that were due at the end of Winter Break. 

After nearly an hour of calculating angles, the final bell rang and I walked out of the room with Star.  Kurt’s sneakers trailed behind.  I didn’t know what to say to him when I got to my locker.  He came over slowly, his shoes practically dragging. 

“Are you still mad at me?” he asked, his voice soft. 

I sighed.  “I don’t even know what I feel right now.” 

“I think I can fix that.”  He leaned in and quickly kissed the top of my forehead.  I smiled, then turned away.  “Did you really think I wouldn’t see?” 

I bit my lip and opened my locker.  “I was being a bitch this morning, wasn’t I?” 

“No, I wouldn’t say that,” he said.  “You just had this awesome thing planned out and I kind of screwed it up.” 

“No you didn’t.”  I shook my head.  “That idiot Nathan did.” 

He put his arm around me and I leaned into him.  “Star is going to the vet at four.  I don’t have much time to talk.” 

“Oh.  I didn’t know that,” he said.  “What are they going to do?” 

“Not sure,” I said, reaching into my bag, then handing him the rolled-up dreidel strap. “But I do want to give you this.”

He took the strap from my hands.  “Is this what I think it is?” 

I shrugged.  “It might be.” 

I heard his hands moving and he crashed into me.  “This is so adorable!  Where did you find this?” 

“The mall.  I’m guessing you like it?” 

Our lips were together in a matter of seconds.  A group of girls giggled when they walked by.  I backed away immediately, realizing that we were still surrounded by people. 

“Maybe we should go outside,” Kurt said. 

“I really have to pack up and get to Star’s appointment,” I said. 

“Okay.  I’ll just head out and talk to you later.”  He paused, kissing my cheek.  “Thank you for the present.” 

“You’re welcome.” 

“You do realize that now I’m going to have to get you something super adorable and awesome for Christmas, right?” he said, then walked off. 

Mom picked me up outside and drove us directly to Star’s vet.  Her doctor told us that her cancer was spreading fast and prescribed a bottle of seizure pills, which had to be taken with the little food she was eating.  Even though she didn’t have any seizures since that first one, it was a “just in case” kind of precaution. 

At the end of the visit, she talked about the process of euthanization.  I shoved my fingers in my ears when she said it.  Mom pulled on my arms and I listened, trying not to ball up and burst into tears. 

On the ride home, she said, “I know you don’t want to do it, but you need to think of Star.” 

“I never said I wasn’t thinking of Star,” I said. 

“I’m just saying, she’s not going to get better.  The dog is only going to suffer if you don’t put her down.” 

I put my earbuds in and didn’t respond.  Once we got home, I sat in the beanbag with Star next to me, just listening and changing the playlist a few times.  My phone buzzed once or twice with texts, which I guessed were from Sarah.  After a while the music cut out, and the phone started vibrating multiple time.  I pressed the main button.

“Hello?  Who is this?” 

“Sarah,” she said.  “I think we should talk about earlier.” 

I leaned forward.  “Please tell me you’re not still with Nathan after he fed me a roach this morning.”  She let out a long sigh.  “Sarah, you’ve got to be kidding me!” 

“I mean…you know how he is.  He pulls pranks like that on everybody.” 

“Okay, then why has he never done anything to Maya and Maxi?”  My nails dug into the side of the bean bag. 

            “Lia, you need to chill out.  I know you’re stressed about Star and everything, but that doesn’t mean you can act like this.” 

            I rolled my eyes.  “My dog is dying and my best friend is dating the biggest douche in the universe.  Sorry I’m not as crazy-perky as the twins.” 

            “Lia, you need to start accepting what is going to happen.  You’re going to lose Star in a few weeks, and I love Nathan.  I’m going to stay with him, and that’s that.” 

            “Does it mean anything to you that he fed your best friend a roach, especially with everything going on?” I asked, biting my lip. 

            She sighed again.  “It was a dick move on his part.  I yelled at him about it and he’s going to apologize tomorrow.” 

            “Okay, that sound’s fair.” 

            “So, will you be at girl talk and lunch tomorrow?” she asked. 

            “I don’t know.  Kurt and I—”

            “Will be there.  Great.  See you then.” 

            She hung up and I grabbed my laptop.  I logged in and went to my Blog Me profile, which had five new followers.  After snooping through their bios, I realized that they were all strangers.  I shrugged it off and started writing a new post. 

            I took my guide dog to the vet today, where she was prescribed seizure medicine.  Why is this so hard?  Why can’t my dog just live forever?  She doesn’t have much time left.  At least right now I’ve got this whole new relationship thing and only a day left of school before my two-week vacation, which I need so super badly I can’t even explain it. 

                I really want to write something fantastic and inspiring, but right now there’s nothing that comes to mind, except for the fact that there is a drum set in my basement waiting to be played.  Sometimes it feels like music is the only thing I’ve got to keep me from lying in bed all day with my blinds shut.