Knowing You're There

Chapter 26

The confusion and numbness didn’t go away over the next few days as I sat alone in my room finishing my homework.  Sarah and the twins called every so often, attempting to talk to me about some other dumb gossip from our classmates happening over social media.  I figured it was just a distraction technique. 

I was doing the same thing until my own thoughts overpowered the history paper, the triangles, my drums, and the notes of Rayvn turned up as high as I could stand.  Mom disposed of Star’s bed and kibble for me.  Her harness I wasn’t yet ready to part with, so that stayed in the hall closet. 

Over and over again, my mind kept repeating the phrase: Star is gone.  Star is gone.  While going over my paper, I found that I wrote an entire paragraph of “Star is gone” written over and over again without even realizing it.  Every beat of the drums, no matter how fast of slow I played them, sounded like those three, monosyllabic words.  It just felt like there was no way to escape it, but for some reason I still couldn’t make myself cry. 

New Year’s was freezing.  The weather channel said it was the coldest day of the year.  Although the roads were slick with ice, Kurt still insisted on taking me out for our fancy dinner at La Primavera: one of the nicest Italian restaurants in town.  I hoped that the numbness would fade enough for me to at least have a good time. 

Since it was such a nice place, I put on my rarely used heels and the plain dress that I only wore for special occasions.  In the car, I placed my fingers over the braille Kurt’s cane, stopping at the K.  I thought of the two separate words.  Rock: a cold, hard, lifeless thing that had no feeling and no emotions.  Star: a beautiful celestial body in the sky that was used as a directional tool.  Or my Star: a cold, dead dog that used to bring me so much joy and relief. 

I placed my thumb at the top of the R and thought of the two words put together.  Rockstar: what I felt like when I was on the stage with Kurt.  I smiled for the first time in days.  The scent of Italian food was filling my nose. 

“I see Kurt waiting for you by the door,” Mom said.  “Be careful when you get out.  It’s all slippery.” 

I extended the cane all the way and opened the door.  “Don’t worry about it.” 

The second my foot touched the ground, I heard Kurt running over.  He placed his arm around me.  I didn’t refuse it because it was obvious that I was going to fall.  Even with Star, my clumsiness made ice my worst enemy. 

Kurt said hello to Mom, then shut the door behind me as we slowly made our way into La Primavera.  I couldn’t feel a lot of lights.  There was an aroma of burning candles and warm bread.  A piano was playing in the back of the room.  Kurt held my hand. 

“You look amazing,” he said. 

“Thanks.  I tried.” 

I tilted my head upwards and he kissed my lips.  “Do you want me to take your coat, sweetheart?” 

“I’m still kind of cold,” I said. 

Kurt went up to the hostess, who then led us to our reserved table.  I folded up the cane and held onto Kurt as we walked around the corner.  I could hear couples talking, people cutting into plates of steak and chicken parmesan.  My stomach growled as a waiter whizzed past us with a tray of what smelled like garlic knots.