-Tom-
And so we lay on the large open space christened the roof and watched the darkened sky side by side. What would have it been like, if things were different. I thought about that often. But as they say, the past is the past and we have only the future to look forward to. And I look forward to fixing everything I broke.
"Why would you do this," Emma whispered, her eyes trained on the sky above her. I cleared my throat, trying to think of a viable answer. Truth was, I didn't think she would come.
"I just wanted to talk to you without the public eyes," I immediately knew this was the wrong answer. Her body tensed and she closed her eyes as if fighting off tears.
"I'm sorry that I don't fit your public image," She said rather coldly.
"Emma, listen," I rolled over so that I was laying on top of her.
"Get off," She said, her voice shaky with uncertainty.
"You need to understand, if I didn't cut off what we had, it would have ruined both our careers! We wouldn't be where we are today if I let it thrive!"
"Oh, if you let it thrive." Emma sneered and my heart dropped. I had done this to her. I had made her bitter and cold, Emma was never like this. But after I told her it was for both our best interest to stop our secret relationship, she became a robot. She let nothing and nobody near her, too afraid to show emotion. It was my fault.
"Em.."
"You don't get to call me that!" She yelled, pushing me off of her and rolled to her knees, gripping the floor to steady her.
"You lost that right when you decided that your job was more important than at least giving us a try. Hell, I don't blame you,"
"You don't?" I asked, a bit relieved. I was surprised to see her brown eyes harden.
"No, I blame myself. I blame myself for letting every letter, every call, every beautiful lie you ever told me, I blame myself for letting it get too close to my heart. I am so angry that I thought I had a chance with you!"
Her shoulders were shaking and I didn't know what to do.
"Don't think-"
"Oh be a man!" She shouted standing up quickly. "Be a man and face it! Be a man and admit I was not what you wanted and not that bullshit answer about our best interests."
Every word pierced me.
"That's not true," I whispered. She let out a mirthless laugh.
"Please," She scoffed, and it was my blood began to boil.
"Fine, you want to know the truth? I'll tell you the goddamn truth." I snapped, getting up. "I made a mistake, okay, Emma? I had the most beautiful, most lovable woman in my life and I was a fool for pushing her out to make room for a career that may or may not be worth it. I pushed out a woman who was willing to stand by my side through it all. I humiliated the woman I was in love with in public. I messed up, okay and I don't know what else to tell you that I am truly sorry."
Emma stared at me with glassy eyes as I ended my rant.
"Sorry changes nothing," She said tonelessly.
"I just thought it may do us some good to have some closure."
I expected her to snap but instead she said nothing. I had a feeling she agreed deep down.
"I can't change anything, I wish I could. But whether or not you accept what I am about to say next, just know you have never left my thoughts."
Emma's head snapped up, and I was slightly pleased to see that she was slowly breaking down her hard exterior.
"I need your forgiveness, Emma, I can't move on knowing I hurt someone as bad as I have done. I need to hear it." I pleaded with her.
"What does my forgiveness matter," She said softly.
"I need it to move on and forget."
"I want to forget too," She said, surprisingly.
"But you can't have my forgiveness, you don't deserve it and I realize as bad as I want to wake up with amnesia this pain is me. What you did to me, was unforgivable, you nearly destroyed my career. What you did for your own selfish gain, it's on you."
My mouth dried as I watched Emma speak with a beautiful kind of authority. She was so broken but so secure.
And it was then I realized I was still in love with her.
