my love as deep as the ocean - chaelisa

9. lovesick - chae

a/n: enjoy ;))

--

A few days later.

She left.

She didn't fight.

She just accepted what I said about my parents and left me. 

I can't believe I gave her up. I kissed her and it was the most amazing kiss I've ever experienced. And then I freaked out and let her go. 

So that's why I'm sitting at the dinner table with my family, poking at my food, thinking about how unbelievably stupid I was. Yes, my parents are religious and no they probably wouldn't be quickest to warm up to the idea of me dating a girl, but I love her. I love her so much.

And if they can't accept that then clearly they never loved me unconditionally, which is unbelievably fucked up. And that's how I am now stuck between a rock and a hard place - either please my parents and date another guy, or potentially lose them and be with the girl I love.

"Chaeyoung-ah are you not hungry? I came all the way from Australia to cook that for you," my sister, Alice, interrupts my train of thought. I drop my fork into the pasta. "I cooked pasta for pasta."

"I'm just not feeling very well," I reply, shrugging and folding up the napkin that's been laying on my lap. "I'll leave it in the fridge and have it later," I go to pick up the bowl when I realise that my fingers are wrapped in a bandage and I actually can't pick it up with this hand. 

"Why don't you go to bed," my Mom says, standing up to pick up my bowl and clean it. My parents have been unbelievably sympathetic and kind since they picked me up from the hospital a few days ago.They believed me when I said that I fell and punched a wall, so that was good, but this sympathy thing is getting annoying and makes me feel useless. 

Also, I haven't had a good day. Like it's been an extremely bad day because I've done nothing but think about the say at the hospital. "I can do it myself, and I don't need to sleep, I'm fine!" I snap, standing up and lifting the bowl with my other hand. I walk past my Mom and put the food in the fridge, and then storm off to my bedroom, ignoring my parents and Alice calling me.

When I get to my room I immediately jump under my bed covers, holding them close to my chest. Not wanting to cry, I take my phone off the bedside table to distract myself and scroll through my messages. One in particular stands out.

best fuckin friend

do you wanna talk?

sent @ 6:49 PM

And I don't know if I'm angry at Lisa for leaving, - or extremely upset - or angry at myself for basically telling her we couldn't be together because of my parents when I now know that I'd rather just hold her and love her than care about what my parents think - maybe that's not totally true, actually, I do care about what my parents think but not enough, right now, to stop loving Lisa.

 Do you get me? I crave my parents approval, but I love Lisa so, so much and I wish I wasn't so freaked out earlier and I wish I hadn't driven her away. 

Ugh.

This is so confusing because I don't know what I want more.

Parents?

Lisa?

I hate this.

And so I leave her on read. I open the other messages from Jennie and Jisoo and some other irrelevant people and leave them all on read because I am not in the mood to text anyone back. Then I throw my phone to the end of the bed and curl up into my duvet again.