This Is The Beat Of My Heart | A Star Is Born ✔️

1. (!)

A/N: (!)= mature/triggering content. The beginning of this chapter mentions suicide, and some possibly triggering thoughts.

XX

"The gnashing teeth and criminal tongues conspire against the odds, but they haven't seen the best of us yet."
-Panic! At The Disco, "This Is Gospel"

XX

Jackson wished that there was another way. He tried to think about what he was doing, trying to talk some sense into himself, but it wasn't working.

This was the way it was. The way it had to be. He was trying to find even the smallest reason not to do this, but there was none.

His life these days was just a zombified and mundane existence. He was sick of it, and he was sure that everybody around him was as well.

Like Ally. He loved and adored her with his entire being, but he knew that now he was nothing but a burden to her. He couldn't pretend like this wasn't true. Hell, he'd be dead without her. If he had never met her years ago, he for sure would have died before now. He was lucky to even know a person like her, lucky enough to marry her and have her by his side. God knows that she was just what he needed. And he still couldn't bring himself to be good enough for her. To give her what she actually deserved.

It was just as Rez had said. He was an embarrassment. And Ally looked like one as well by sticking by his sorry side. She deserved better.

He wished that he didn't have to do this, but there was nothing else that he could try and do. There just wasn't. He thought that he could make things better before, and look how that had turned out. His past was something that would never go away, and not only would it follow him, it would follow Ally as well. And he didn't want that.

This was his only option.

He took one last look at everything around the house, taking it all in. Even the grass surrounding it. All of the memories in his mind flashed before him. It was the house where he had essentially built a life, and it was also going to be the house where he ended his life.

He stumbled inside the garage, his belt in his hand, gripping it so tightly that his knuckles were turning white.

He looked outside once more, and saw that his car lights were still on. Oh well, it didn't fucking matter anyways. He wasn't going to bother with that.

It was already dark out, and he knew that Ally would be looking for him or be worried about him soon, if she wasn't already. Wasn't that what she did for the entirety, if not most of, their relationship? It made him even more angry at himself, and feel even more pathetic. He acted more like a child than a husband. It was sad. He hated himself for it.

He set his hat down and pulled over the stool, thinking yet again about what he was doing. He wasn't going to bother anymore. He just wanted to get it over with. Nothing was going to change, no matter how much he racked his mind for a reason not to do this. He wasn't going to find one.

Or so he thought.

A quick glance over towards the garbage can caused him to do a double take, and he quickly questioned what he was seeing.

Inside, sticking right out of the top actually, as if it wanted to be seen, was a pregnancy test. He reached into the garbage, and pulled it out. Gross, he knew, but he just wanted to make sure he was seeing this right.

Oh, he was seeing it right. He squinted at the small thing, and saw that it read positive. He felt the world around him froze.

It took him a few seconds to process this. A positive pregnancy test. Ally was pregnant with his child.