Dear Mandy, | l.h au

chapter twenty

Dear Mandy, 

Today was the first day of school... It wasn't as bad as i thought it would be... but it was still bad. 

It did result in me having to be excused for crying. 

Michael and Calum ate with me at lunch, i've pretty much abandoned all our old 'popular' friends... They didn't actually like me anyways. 

Overall i still feel like pure shit without you, Mandy... 

It's even worse since Dad's gone. Mom's been really moody and Jaxton still isn't talking much. He says one word responses but that's about it. No matter how much Mom tries to get him to go to therapy he just yells 'No!' and storms off to his room..

I saw Luke at therapy today. His eye looks a lot better but it still makes me sad. 

He asked me if i'd be his girlfriend today, of course i said yes. 

Tell me Mand, am i taking things too fast? 

You and Jaxton were friends for years before you two ever dated... I've only known Luke like three weeks. 

Mom was pretty alarmed about it. She said that i'm trying to replace you with someone else. It really offended me, but of course as you know I don't get mad, I just cry. So sure enough, today i've cried twice and even contemplated if i should take my own life as well. 

It's not that I want to be selfish and leave everyone behind, especially Luke... But sometimes it's okay to be selfish... right? 

I heard the saying : suicide doesn't kill people, sadness does . 

It really got me thinking even more. Were you really that miserable? I just can't see you being that upset... You were always a drama queen but it would blow over within a few days. 

Was it a buildup of stress?

I guess i'll never really know why you did it, but the point is that you did. 

And i don't have the slightest idea of how to live without you here to guide me.